The Appreciation Room

Hello friends :) Looooong time, no talk. I sat down with the intent to maybe update or blog a bit, and realized I had a handful of 'drafts' of blogs, and therein became distracted reading them. The following rant in particular really made me chuckle, and so I thought I'd just go ahead and post it. I don't think I actually finished it, but... whatever. This is a sneak peek at what our marriage is really like, haha. But also, it's kind of encouraging for me to read through it and realize how much growth & maturity can take place even over the course of a few months (as this was written in July of 2011 I believe). Not that we've got it perfectly now- but in retrospect, the whole moving ordeal was rather stressful, and I know that we at least are able to work through stress a little better now. Hope I get a couple of "Amen's"... or at least a few "lol's"... 


**Be warned that the following contents reveal the True self of Ashley Jennings**

Well hello hello!

I've attempted to open this blog in a number of ways- only to backspace the entire thing & start again. So... let's just jump in, shall we?

Marriage is a funny thing. And by funny, I mean that it is sometimes Funny-Haha, and sometimes Funny-ThisIsSoNotWhatISignedUpFor. The majority of the time, I'm happy to say that our marriage is Funny-Haha. But there are times (like the past couple of weeks) when it's a little more... oh how do you say... intense. I like to console myself with the self-justification that those times correspond with a little thing we call PMS, but alas, they do occur. 

Maybe it's because I'm cooped up all day long and have way too much time on my hands to think, or maybe it's the fact that we're about to move, or maybe it's just seasonal, but the last couple of weeks have been like an itchy sweater, in that you're kinda stuck wearin' it, and even though it doesn't help all that much, you just keep scratching. Plus it's Summer, and the notion of wearing any genre of sweater seems downright sinful to me.

I digress. The point is, during the course of said itchy couple of weeks, I've noticed a corresponding relationship between intensity, and trust. Or maybe it's trust, and then intensity?... It's just that this whole marriage thing doesn't really work well if you're trying to make it work well for only one member. "Well, duh," you might think- and if you do, then kudos to you and your perfect life :P

I think what happened was a couple of weeks ago, Ben & I hit a little bump (or, you know, like, 17 bumps) in our Logistics Road coordinating our move-out-of-apartment-and-into-house situation. Being the mature, supportive wife that I am, I promptly threw a fit on the couch, cried my eyeballs out, and yelled at Ben that this whole situation was his fault. It has, from that moment on, been progressively more difficult to act in love towards this man who I am married to, and live with.

One night, everything kind of culminated in some silly argument (the kind where you reach the point that neither party really remembers what you're arguing about). One of the things I genuinely love about Ben- a man of very few words- is that there are times when he will say something that seriously cuts through every fiber of my skin & muscle & tissue, straight to the very guarded, dark recesses of my vulnerable heart. This was one of those moments: "Ashley, the choice to trust me is yours alone- and if you choose not to, then of course everything I say is going to come out sounding the way you fear it will". See, I often say that I'm working on trusting Ben. But after he said that... I did some deep-down-assessing of my "efforts" in trusting, and realized that, by "working on", I really meant "I'm waiting on you to prove that you're 100% fail-proof, & you're never going to hurt or disappoint me again, and when you start to prove that then I'll happily trust you".

...I know, I know... it's a really bad habit. 

And so, I've resolved to sever this inverse relationship between intensity & trust, and somehow live in such a way that the two strengthen each other: when things get more intense, the harder I work to trust Ben. And not just Ben alone, but people. Because I'm also realizing that this 'bad habit' seeps into all of the relationships I share with people- especially the very meaningful ones. 

So I'm reading through yet another book: The Love Dare (thanks to my friends Sasha, & Andrea). It's from the movie Fireproof *whatup Kirk Cameron* It essentially explores the characteristics of Love, and gives daily challenges to incorporate specific actions to show your spouse you love them. I think it's a fantastic book- and would encourage anyone (single, dating, etc) to read it. But maybe especially people who are engaged.

I like to think that the majority of the young, Christian couples that are dating or engaged are super excited (and impatient) to tie the knot. I think this is great. But I also think (particularly for young, Christian couples) a lot of the "I'm so excited to get married" is code for "I'm so excited to have sex". I'm not sayin' it's everyone- just most. And maybe it's not sex- maybe it's a different aspect of marriage; but there's some specific expectation they have of what marriage entails that they're not experiencing yet. I can say this because, well, I do that.

But what you don't hear people saying when they're dating or engaged is "I just can't wait to be selfless, and uncomfortably humble"; or, "I'm so excited to not give my prideful opinion, even though I'm pretty positive my idea is better"; or, "I would be so happy if we could just disagree so I could trust him while I'm very personally offended." 

People don't say that. But those are precisely the things that need to happen- the things I really need to work on- in order to make a marriage work. One of my best friends in the world, Andrea, uses a great phrase when talking about loving your significant other: loving them in the verb, as opposed to the emotion. And that's exactly what this Love Dare book is all about: going beyond the lovey dovey, ooey gooey, butterflies in your stomach love, and putting actions to your emotions (particularly when your emotions aren't lovey dovey). 

Let's be clear, though- I'm not talking about the kind of love the world talks about. I'm talking about Perfect Love- the only kind of love that makes this life worth while. The other day- during another one of these little tiffs- I frustratedly sat down and flipped open my bible, and happened to open to 1 Corinthians 13. Everyone knows it- even the most antireligious person: 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres".

...I could honestly sit there and say that I was NOT fulfilling a single description... Why? Because I have been so fixated on the negative, on the intensity, on me my i mine self.

So I went back to one of my favorite parts of The Love Dare. Going off of, 'Love believes all things, hopes all things', Kendrick says

"In the deep & private corridors of your heart, there is a room. It's called the Appreciation Room. It's where your thoughts go when you encounter positive & encouraging things about your spouse... Most things in the Appreciation Room were likely written in the initial stages of your relationship. You could summarize them as things you liked & respected about your loved one... And you spent a great deal of time dwelling on them in this room... before you were married... Down another darker corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, and unfortunately you visit there as well. ...The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your spouse... You may say, 'but these things are true!' Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room... It's time to move into the Appreciation Room, to settle down & make it your home."

And that is exactly what I'm planning on doing.