When I Grow Up, I Want To...

Alright, and we're back in business. It's been about a year since I've blogged, or had time enough to think about blogging, so I don't even know where to start. I suppose- for those of you who don't see/talk to us on a regular basis- a brief update of this past year is reasonable:

Ben & I began leasing a house a year ago, summer '11. It has been a huge blessing for us- it's hard to remember what it was like to live in our old apartment. At the risk of sounding horribly boring, the large majority of our life the past year has been about work...Thaaaat's about it, haha. 

-Ben continues to work for Teledrill; there was a wave of excitement and adventure as we rang in the New Year (2012), when Ben nearly began working elsewhere (for various reasons), but ended up accepting a counteroffer and pay-raise with Teledrill. 

-My bassoon studio has been on steroids, and has reached a population of 35+ students. It's been a significant adjustment for us in our marriage and routine. Obviously my schedule is not a 9-5 kinda job, so I've been working until 8:30pm M-F for this past year. It gives Ben & I a rough 2hr window to say our hello's, how was your day, it was good and yours?, and then somehow launch into whatever else needs doing. 

As I said... it's been an adjustment. And now that the semester has ended (for me), and I'm once again staring all this free time in the face, I'm forced to ask myself What the heck just happened? Where did all that time go? What am I doing with my life? 

I used to think there was something wrong with me, for not having it all figured out. But I realize now- in talking with friends and family in their 20s, 30s, 50s and so on- that everyone, in every life-phase, still says "when I grow up, I want to ______". Does anyone ever hit a point and say "I am grown up because I do ____"? 

I feel like I ought to think that of myself: I'm married, I run my own business, we're about to buy a house... those seem like pretty adult-ish things. But really, on the inside, I feel like I'm watching a home-video of my life on fastforward, and every couple of days or so, I push Pause to catch my breath and turn to someone to ask What the heck is going on, do I have the plot right??

Let me let you in on a little secret, and lil' inside scoop into my life: it's a mess. 

I am tired as heck. I'm burnt out, and I both look forward to, and dread these moments of stillness. The moments when I can catch my breath and re-evaluate whether I'm on track, and (scariest of all) make adjustments. 

Let me tell you a scary truth, something that feels impossible to explain to anyone who has known me for any number of years:

I don't know what I want to do with my life. 

I have been playing the bassoon for more of my life than not. My mom tells me that during one of the first weeks that I began playing, she remembers listening through the garage to me practice, picking out the notes to Titanic's "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion (yeah, that's how I roll). I remember graduating from High School, not questioning what I'd major in, just knowing 'well yeah, of course I'm going to pursue music performance'. And I spent my entire university career trying to awkwardly balance 'the college experience' with musical prestige, and who I am with who I can't be. 

And then I graduated from USC, and Ben & I moved out to TX, and I spent the first year & a half continuing to awkwardly balance 'real life' with musical prestige, and who I am with who I can't be, and over the course of the past 7 years of my life, I have come to this conclusion:

I am a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. 

Music is my heart; it's breathtaking, and powerful and it speaks to my soul in a way very few other things can. When I play certain things, when I speak to people through the art of performance, my everything resonates- I am the most alive version of myself. 

But the real kicker is that I need people. I love people! I love talking to them, figuring them out, helping them, listening to their stories. I think my heart is happiest when I am with someone who truly knows me, and I know them. 

Unfortunately, the way the 'professional', classical musical world works, you gotta sacrifice a lot- mostly time/relationships- and make music #1 in order to be successful. It's been a heartbreaking process for me. I fight hard to not believe that I'm a failure since I'm not doing what I was trained to do. I fight hard to believe that I do indeed have talent; that 'those who can't do, teach' isn't my fate. And at the end of the day, when I'm tempted to burn with jealousy and rage that soandso got suchandsuch position in oolala symphony, I step back and realize that all of that wouldn't mean a thing to me if I were alone. If I had to give up a vibrant, healthy relationship with my husband, the flexibility and ability to start a family, the web of relationships of my life, all so that I could get recognition for how hard I work... I think I would regret much of my life.

I am a square peg in a round hole. 

My life needs beauty and people, art and relationship, resonance with another. Part of what blows my mind about music to begin with is that it's a transcendental language. It doesn't matter what country you're from- if you can read music, love music, feel music: we speak the same language.

It's taken me several frustrating years to understand this about myself. I tell my students often that, in music, there are times when the harmonies are dissonant- they are passing, usually. It's important to lean into, accentuate the dissonance, because it creates tension and discomfort. But. we do that because it makes the resolution that much more beautiful and aesthetically pleasing when it arrives. 

I have been living the dissonance. I have felt tension from expectation and disappointment, hope and confusion. I don't think I've done a great job of leaning into it, though. I mean really, I feel like I've just been flailing- I'm sure I've been out-of-tune, too loud, and sloppy with it all, so to speak. 

But- thankfully- I think I have a better understanding and peace about my life not being exactly what was expected of it. And I have decided that I am going to lean into the difference (appropriately tuned and strong), and pray the result is breathtaking. Beautiful. Powerful. 

I'm not sure, exactly, how or what I'm going to do with my life. I hope there will always be music, and I hope it will always be shared with people I love. But, as I grow up, I want my life to resonate with others.