Love Equation

Love.

What is love? If 'love is all you need', where can I find it, and how do I acquire it?

 And if I should need it, why do I need it? And who says that I need it? And how much does it cost?

Love?

Where does one even begin to find these answers? 

-sigh-

Well, to the beginning I suppose. 

"Now the Lord God planted a garden, Eden; and there He put the man He had formed. And the Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground- trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food"

--Gen. 2:8-9

Of the first things formed, we see life. Life of the divine, poured out into the shape of man, of nature- breathed into everything. 

And why? 

Well, I'm no theologian. 

But reason stands clearly in Word: for pleasure and purpose. 

Aesthetic- yet functional. 

Our quest is of love, yes. 

But I pause to consider the inherent need of life in order to possess the ability to love. 

To be loved.

...

I am a married woman. 

And though this makes me little wiser in the Love Realm, it may make me sensitive to its experience... and its lacking. And if nothing else, I can at least say that I am living:

pulse, blood, breath, voice.

So as I think about this, this love... equation (beauty and function), I stare my first hand experience in the face. Marriage. Man and woman. My husband, myself.

And I chuckle aloud at the personification of these two variables, function and beauty:

Engineer and Musician. 

Two living beings, completely unsimilar. 

One marked by structure and numbers, science and order. Purpose. Function. Efficiency. Calculation and mathematics. Emotions are valid, yes, but public expression is saved for a select few, and really only under dire circumstances.

And then the other, whose entire career is built around the expression of emotion specifically to the public. Emotions swim up and down, and are reality. There is no reason, no method to the madness; it is feeling and intuition and improvisation. The only purpose is in fact emotional- which, in and of itself, is this formless, inexplicable and manic thing.

Is this combination- of beauty and order- really the embodiment of love? 

Is not this opposition an inevitable damnation?

Or do, as people say, opposites attract? 

I tell him "the horns in my head fit the holes in yours". 

He laughs- has never heard that expression before.

Or.

Is it the subtle re-framing that, only by the combination (read: negotiation, collaboration, compromise) of purpose and beauty that Love is reached? 

As time tells, this experience of Love is never always ripping off clothes and "take me now!"s. 

Nor is it polite smiles and repeated conversation over dinner (promptly at 6:30). 

It is in fact this strange thing: intention and improvisation. 

It is desperate chasing, learning, resolving and listening: intention and purpose. And it is a willingness to not only admit you're wrong, but to- in selflessness- acquiesce to the other's unspoken need: change, improvise and respond to emotion. 

And in some cases this equation, this production of Love, it perpetuates:

I sit here in stillness and literally feel life moving within me: this insane, miraculous, mind-boggling product of an engineer and musician.

And this little life- again, as in Eden- is both scientific and wildly beautiful. 

He is science and order: with cells and chromosomes and hormones; his bones grow, his organs form, there is absolute precision in the timing and forming of every ounce of his body.

And yet he moves in excitement when he hears loud music! He moves at the sound of the engineer's voice. His body will indeed reflect parts of mine and parts of my husbands- beauty. Creation. Life. 

There is new life within me, and BECAUSE of the science and medicine, my mind can hardly grasp any of it, except that it's truly, unequivocally, breathtakingly beautiful.  

It is not all of one or the other. The two together create this greater, more powerful cycle:

There is Life that creates order and beauty, purpose and pleasure for love's sake. And Love, in the implementation of intention and improvisation, produces more life. 

I am filled with life, and filled with love. 

Love. 

Love is all I need.

For my Life depends on it. 

Love. 

The combination of beauty and purpose. 

Pleasure, creativity, and expression;

structure, precision, and order.

Love.

Letters to David- Part 2

11/3/12, 5:00am

Morning, my sweet boy :) I have been up for a long while feeling your little kicks. This seems to be another big growth-week for you. Some evenings I feel like my stomach can't stretch fast enough to meet your growing needs; you're getting so big! I love feeling your kicks and squirms :) I can't get enough of them. But sometimes they tickle. It feels like... like a little explosion in my stomach, haha. I don't know how to describe it. But you're getting so big (you're about 7-8 inches from head to rump), so when you kick and extend your little arms and legs, I feel your movement all across my tummy. I think about newborns, and their adorable, flailing arms and legs; I imagine you're little nerve synapses are firing away, throwing your little limbs all over :)

My little man, I can't wait to see you. I just can't wait to see what your face looks like! I think about that all the time. Yesterday, Noni and I went looking and baby-stuff again. I think Daddy and I are going to register for your crib etc this weekend. Goodness gracious, they have some wild baby "necessities" out there. Noni laughs at a lot of the things we see, haha. I think you will have some pretty cool stuff, though.

Check out your room theme: Robots!! I think you will love it, if you have any ounce of your daddy's personality in you (which... I imagine you do...). Your nursery is already painted that yummy peanut-butter color; so basically everything in the room will have blue, green & orange accents; little pops of color everywhere! :) Here is the fabric I'm pretty sure we're going to use; Noni is going to make your crib skirt/bumper custom! Robots don't seem to be super popular- mostly Noah's Ark themes etc. But how cute is this:

I think it is stinkin' adorable. We will have so much fun getting ready for you, little boy! And you'll be here faster than we know it! It's already November, which I can hardly believe. This will be a pretty busy month especially with Thanksgiving a few weeks away. Then before we know it, you, Daddy and I will be in Spokane visiting Granny and Granddad and all your cousins for Christmas! Who knows, maybe Auntie Jenell will have your baby cousin while we're there... But as soon as we hit the holidays, time is going to fly. Then a quick, last couple of weeks in Jan. for me to work, and bam: Feb. I'm not going to work for any of February. It's already getting pretty exhausting teaching my far fewer hours even now... you are quite the wiggle worm, and I think you somehow consume part of my brain when your little body gets my food/nourishment. Forming thoughtful sentences and suggestions to students (or, you know, staying awake) is way more challenging. Last week I did some getting-up, sitting-downs a few times during one student's lesson; when I commented on how tired it made me, my student's mom told me I looked "much bigger this week". I'm going to go ahead and say she was talking to you. 

But all in all, little man, I love being  your mommy so far. I really enjoy being pregnant! That's not to say that it's super easy. Two nights ago Mommy cried for some time because I was just so uncomfortable and exhausted. Thank God I found this body pillow at Babies R Us yesterday; it's called a "Snoogle" haha. It was way more comfortable to sleep with (for the first few hours tonight)... but now I'm just... awake. I hope it will help a lot with my quality of sleep though. Mommy's feet hurt pretty badly, too. Daddy gives some pretty good foot-rubs, though. He is a sweet man. I hope you are just like him. He is a good friend; he loves to help people. He is so creative, and yet meticulous and calculating. He has a great sense of humor and wit- he makes me laugh quite a bit. I hope he teaches you all of these things; they are some of my favorite qualities I see in him. I almost fear which qualities of mine you'll inheret, haha... I mean, if you're musical or artistic that would be really cool, but I don't necessarily wish that on you. I imagine if you're feisty or stubborn... that may or may not be my fingerprint... although Daddy can be a little stubborn at times. If you're quiet & thoughtful, that's totally Daddy's trademark- I possess very little of that. If you are loud and crave the spotlight, I'll claim that. Curly hair is me, fo sho. Blue eyes, Daddy :) Aaaand if you're a genius, we'll just call it 50/50! 

But honestly, little man, I just can't wait to know who you are. I bet it will be so surreal to witness parts of my character or Daddy's (or even your grandparents/aunts/uncles) in you. But part of what I look forward to the most is what parts of you are just... you. Just God's fingerprint on your little personality. I don't care if you're musical or scientific, athletic or poetic. I just want to love you, and show you that who you are is priceless, unique, and has a purpose only you can fulfill. 

I love you, little David. Keep growing. Keep kicking. Keep getting stronger, baby.

-Mommy

Letters to David- Part 1

10/19/12, 4:18am

Morning, handsome boy :) You are such an active little man! You are just a few days shy of 5 months, which means we are passed the half-way mark! In a few hours we're supposed to have a Doctor's appointment- we will officially begin measuring your growth, and I think we'll be able to look through all your ultrasound pictures from last week! 

You are such a big boy! I read a few days ago that babies are around 10oz during 21wks. But the doctor told us LAST week that you were 13-14oz. What a chunk; I love it! And I can tell you've been growing a lot because I'm having some sleep issues, and I'm a tad bit... ooooh, how do we say.... hormonal. Plus, you are getting strong enough for me to feel all your little movements! Especially at 4am. 

Here are some things I've learned about you in the past couple of weeks:

-you either really do or really don't like the sound of the blender; every time I make a smoothie, you go wild!  I think it might wake you up; it is pretty loud. But "Aunt TiTi" (Tori) says it's because because you know some yummy noms are on the way, and you get excited. 

-You are moving and awake most around 12pm, 4-5pm, 9pm, and 3-5am. 

-You get stage fright. You move so much for Mommy, and then I get all excited and tell Daddy to feel your little wiggles, and then you stop. In your defense, though, that is a lot of pressure: this is Daddy's first go at having a fetus around. Performance anxiety, etc etc- I get it, don't worry. 

-YOU ARE A BOY! I guess that's pretty significant, haha :) We found out last week! Noni (Grandma) and Pops (Grandpa, what name are you going with??) threw you a gender reveal party; it was so much fun! We played an Old Wive's Tale game, and odds were definitely stacked against ya, bud. Way to show 'em wrong! 

-You are pretty freakin' cute. I carry around your ultrasound picture with me a lot. Your little profile just looks so precious! You had me and Daddy cracking up last week during the ultrasound: feet kicked back & crossed, and arms propped behind your head. Daddy's Little Man, for sure. For some of it, though, you were folded in half practically... you seemed to like it, though? *shrug* 

-Also, it seems like you like to keep your ankles crossed a lot. The ultrasounds we've had most recently prove this; and it makes your little kicks that much more powerful, because you kick with both feet- BAM. Skill, son, skill. 

After our Doctor's appt tomorrow, you, me, Noni and Meems (your great-grandma) are going to look around at 'baby stuff'. Now that we know you're a boy, the floodgates have opened. Everyone is SO excited!! During the gender reveal party we were able to skype with Granny and Granddad, and Aunt Bethany, too! We're so excited for you: you will have so many cousins to play with, right off the bat. Cousin Wyatt and Paul are old timers, they'll show ya the ropes. But Aunt Bethany and Aunt Jenell are both bringing  you a boy cousin each, a month or two before you! And then Princess/Cousin Helen will rule all 5 of you boys with an iron, feminine fist. I can't wait for the day when all 6 of you cousins can play together! 

Well little man... it's almost 5am. I am going to try to get more sleep before Daddy and I have to be up for the appointment. I think me sitting up has lulled you back to sleep... maybe... 

We love you, David! We are so proud of your growth, and we grow more and more excited to see your little face in person. I love you, little man. You bring my heart so much joy and fascination. 

Night, baby!

And Baby Makes 3

Yup. You guessed it: Ben and I are going to have a baby! We are _______ (excited, thrilled, terrified; you name it, we are probably that) about our little one on the way!! So LOOK OUT, everyone, end of Feb/beginning of March 2013, another Jennings is on the way. And the cutest most adorable Jennings/Maydwell-combo baby yet... yeah, think on that...

Well... it's 4:08am on July 6, 2012 (Happy Birthday, Mom!). If you thought I usually ramble, let's try adding hormones, sleeplessness, and nausea and see what happens? This is the umpteeth time I find myself wide awake in the middle of the night after only a month of pregnancy, so I figure... why not put the time to some use, even just for some cathartic journaling on my part. By the time all of my masses *royal wave* read this good news, we will (prayerfully) be through the first trimester, so you can just play catch-up and read all these details to convince you that, yes, I'm pregnant, and no, I am not yanking all y'all's chains. So here we go:



07/06/12
Morning sweet baby,
It is very early in the morning; Mommy doesn't sleep very well anymore because I'm so hormonal. And, even though you're only like .5cm right now, you make me have to pee all the time. But that's OK, it just means you're growing, and I love that! Today, you are 4 weeks and 4 days! This was an exciting week for you, me, and Daddy- we went to the Dr on Monday and confirmed what the 3 pregnancy tests showed (I had to be thorough): you are here, and you're growing! Daddy & I have been trying to keep  you a secret, but we told your Granny & Granddad, and Grandma & Grandpa, and all your aunts and uncles. You are already so loved and prayed for! I think announcing you was one of Grandma's favorite birthday presents ever- she has been waiting for you for some time, apparently :)

When Daddy & I first found out, we immediately went to the bookstore and loaded up on books to get us ready for you! We were so surprised, because we didn't think God would be so generous with us as soon as we began asking and praying for you. So we hope and pray that He will make us as ready and wise as you'll need us to be when we meet you face to face. We have lots of reading to do- I love finding out how you're growing each week, & knowing what foods to eat that will help keep you safe & strong; your Daddy is already such an amazing help! You'll love him, he's so sweet and comforting, and he'll help you with so many things as you get older.

It is a little scary, though, knowing you're inside me. I get paranoid if I feel too sick, and then even more paranoid if I don't feel sick at all. The first few days after I first found out you were here, I was happy!... but also confused that I didn't magically, immediately feel Mom-y. But I don't think that usually happens anyway. I want to be super-human and control everything for you: I want to make sure nothing bad happens, I want to keep you healthy & strong, I want you to know you're loved no matter what you'll look or act like, I want to protect you! But... God is good (and patient), and reminds me that, even if I could hold you in my arms, I can't control a single thing. I have a feeling He will be teaching me this for your (and my) entire life... especially in your teen years, God help us all. And if something bad or challenging does happen for you, I know it's because your spirit is so sweet that God wants you with Him soon; and maybe because He wants to spare you from some of the hurt that does happen in this world. I don't like thinking about that- but sometimes my mind wanders and I get panicked. This is the reality of life, and I'm so tempted to worry. But worrying won't protect you or keep you safe- so I can only trust that God will, in His own way. He is blessing me and your Daddy in learning how to be selfless, and gracious, and loving.

Daddy & I pray for you every night, and joke about all sorts of things. Daddy likes to come up with really weird names for you. Don't worry, we won't stick you with something you'll be made fun of. But for now, we have taken to calling you, 'Baby', 'the bug', or whatever other object our books compare your size with. (Next week will be a bean!) Mainly we're trying to just get everything as organized as we can before you arrive; I think once you do, you will bring a lot of fun, beautiful, and new un-organization.

Ok, it's almost 5am, and I am finally sleepy again. Before I started writing you, I was lying in bed thinking about a Broccoli Cheddar soup-bowl (with Caesar salad) from Panera... I have been hating the idea of food lately, but that sounds glorious, and I am making Daddy take us there tomorrow for a date. Love you, sweet bug!
--Mommy


07/11/12, 3:40am
Sweet Baby!
Daddy & I saw you on an ultrasound yesterday! We were able to see your beating little heart- we were so happy and surprised. You are five weeks old, which is when your little heart was supposed to finish forming and begin pumping- we were so thrilled to see for ourselves! We are more and more excited.

Last night we told some of our neighbors and friends when they came over for dinner- everyone screamed and laughed with happiness! You already have such a fan-club- I hope it doesn't go to your head... :)

It makes me so happy to know that you're growing strong. My nausea is pretty constant throughout the day- but it's a sweet reminder to me that you're healthy! I would much rather have that than not. The only true unfortunate part is the headaches- I think that's just from how I've been sleeping (or not sleeping). Daddy went and bought some Tylenol, but I'm trying not to take much medicine while you're growing.

Food is such a huge/odd part of pregnancy. Unfortunately, everything looks awful. The books say to more snack/graze throughout the entire day, instead of eat big meals. This definitely helps with the nausea. But it's a challenging task, to open the fridge 15 times a day, only to gag and the sight of everything. I told your Daddy we need to just spend a weekend cooking up lots of yummy veggies, so all I have to do is mindlessly warm up meals, instead of having to stare at it all, make my choice, then stare at it some more as I prepare it. Bleck. My very favorite snack is some whole wheat toast with cream cheese. I could eat cream cheese all day if you let me- I wonder if you'll like it when you grow up?

Daddy & I are so excited to meet you!! I told him that I've watched friends go through their pregnancies, and I'm always surprised at how quickly the time seems to pass- 9 months & poof: a baby. I kinda assumed it would be the same feeling. But then I told your Daddy, I don't think it's the same when you're the one who has to battle the morning sickness each day... eh well :) I know we probably need all the time we can get to prepare for your sweet arrival!

This past weekend Daddy & I painted your nursery- "peanut butter". Grandma is going to have a hayday getting the room ready- I'm sure you'll love it! We will put all sorts of colorful things in there to mesmerize your little eyes. Eyes! I wonder what color they will be! I kind of  hope that they will be blue- I love your Daddy's eyes. All of his family has blue/green eyes. Your Daddy loves my eyes, though- he says they're exotic (apparently), haha. I like the way that sounds. I think whatever color they will be, they will be perfectly you, and perfectly beautiful!

It was so fun to have all our friends over last night- you will have so many buddies to play with, as soon as you come out! You will have a few older, wiser toddlers to show you the ropes. But you will also have baby Sierra & Baby Evan as comrades in... swaddling cloths...? It's kind of amazing to realize how many people already love you and look forward to seeing you. We are truly humbled and blessed by you.

I love you, little baby. When I first found out I was pregnant, I wondered if, or how, or when I'd learn to love you. But I love knowing that you're part of me & your Daddy; I wonder what kind of combination you will be! I could think on that all day. I will try to get back to sleep, and let that thought carry me away into dreams of you...
--Mommy

07/20/12, 4:25am
My little love,
I think you must be on some sort of timer- I always wake up at 3:00am! I've already been up a while; poor Daddy has 'a throat', and isn't sleeping well. I already wasn't sleeping well, but I think the snoring/tossing is making it impossible. I would rather come out here and write you a tiny bit :)

You are almost 7 weeks old now! We are officially half-way through the first trimester. I can't believe it! We haven't had as many milestones since last week when we went to the doctor for the ultrasound. I have an appointment a week from today- we're so looking forward to it: we get to see you again!! You are growing so quickly each week. You are probably over .5inch now- that's a lot of growing for just a couple of weeks. Right now your ears are developing- so cool! Daddy & I will talk to you all the time- I can't wait to play music for you! I wonder if certain kinds of music/noise/voices will make you move more. I will definitely be one of those moms-to-be who put headphones on their stomachs and play classical music for you. Don't worry, I'll throw in some Baroque, Romantic, Neo-Classical and 20th Century for your added benefit- don't want to keep you from being well-rounded! haha :) Don't worry, I'll play all sorts of stuff for you- but I draw the line at Justin Beiber & Miley Cyrus. Sorry...

I was reading this National Geographic book called "In The Womb"- I am astounded on a whole new level at the miraculous mystery of having you inside of me. The book described that- chemically- our bodies would immediately fight & kill any form of growth that contains tissue with a different genetic makeup than our own, were it to begin growing inside your body. The fact that your genetic makeup is a combination of mine and Daddy's, and is technically equivalent to a tumor in way of extra-genetic growth, yet you're able to survive is straight up insanely miraculous. Apparently you are able to survive because the very end of the placenta carries "Major Histo(tissue)compatibility Complex" (MHC-G) molecules that helps hide your DNA's "other-ness" from the rest of my body's immune's system...?!?!? I don't know how people can not believe in Something divine when they truly see and learn about the human body and birth.

Ok my sweet baby- I think I am finally feeling sleepy again. Luckily I am not working tomorrow, so I can hopefully rest a little longer in the morning. I love you!! I love you so, so much, and I hope you're growing strong and healthily.

--Mommy


09/06/12, 11:05am
BABY!
You've been so sweet, letting me sleep the past couple of months.
Today you are 15 weeks and 2 days; you are about 4.5in and weigh roughly 1.75ounces! You fatty :) The book says you're the size of a softball! Whoa. I am surprised I am not showing more, but I'm definitely beginning to show. Or... at least I can't wear "normal" clothes any more. By the end of this week you will be almost 3oz, the size of my "hand opened wide"! That's a lot of growing :) Good going, baby.

I had a dream last night that I could feel you  moving! It was just a dream, though. I can't wait to feel you move!!! Any week now...

Well, Baby, the idea of you arriving seems more and more real. I love it! And I love you so much- I think about you all the time! We are officially in the 2nd trimester- we announced you to the whole world a couple of weeks ago! Such a fun, exciting day. You have so many people who love you already.

Daddy and I (...mainly I) have a pre-baby To-Do List that we (I) are really concerned about accomplishing ASAP. Daddy is fantastic and does all the grunt work. I basically just stress out that it's not all magically finished. I believe they call it "nesting". But, on the bright side, I finally feel more like myself again! I think I had the first trimester relatively easy, compared to some women; but I was definitely exhausted, frumpy, & sick-feeling all the time. I didn't mind it too much, though- it just always reminded me that you were growing; that made it all worth it! But I'm OK with not feeling that way now :) I know you're still growing, because now I have to pee even more often in the middle of the night. I've never been a middle-of-the-night-potty-breaker. Also, apparently my body is producing a bunch of stuff called Relaxin, which is making all of my bones and ligaments loosey goosey because you are growing so much you're pushing all of my organs up into my torso. What the heck, that is insane. That just boggles my mind. It also makes my back/tailbone really sore, because it's not all sturdy and in-place the way it usually is. I think this means I need more massages... darn... :)

So, Baby, guess what?? You are either a boy or girl!! News to you, right? Well, we don't know which one you are yet, but in a few weeks, we're gonna find out!!! I think we're going to have a gender reveal party; Daddy and I want to be surprised with everyone else, so we're going to tell our Dr. to write down what your junk is, so to speak. I'm pretty sure about 92% of every single person we've asked thinks you're a girl. If you're a boy, I hope you're not offended.

Grandma is so. excited. I think she's physically in pain not having purchased you any clothing yet. Granny and Granddad got you this super cute duckie onsie. I think it will fit you right around Easter time- how cute will you be?? Also, I got you this TOTALLY AWESOME Tommy Trojan onesie.

 When you are about 6mo old, Daddy and I will teach you all about this very, very special thing called USC Football. It is a magical time of year, much like your birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving. You will get to wear all sorts of cute things like jerseys, your Tommy Trojan onsie, and (depending on the whole boy/girl situation), USC cheer outfits. Or more jerseys. We'll see.

Daddy and I are just so excited to meet you. I wonder all the time what combination of me and your daddy you will be. Will you be quiet and intuitive? Will you be loud and rambunctious? Will your hair curl? Will you be chubby?... I'm fairly certain of that one- you'll just have to see pictures of me and your daddy. I don't think you have much of a choice. I just can't wait to see your little face for the first time. It will be a dream come true. Daddy is so excited to see the way you respond to his voice. It's so wild to me that you will already know who we are when we see you for the first time.

Ok, my little love. I have to get ready to work. I love you, I love you, I love you.
--Mommy

Love & Support

I can't for the life of me figure out how to preface this stream-of-consciousness in a graceful manner so... first let me just give a couple of disclaimers: 

1. This is purely a thought-process of mine, typed out. I'm in no way trying to win someone over to my opinion. 

2. I'm not trying to begin some debate or battle of wits; if we end up talking more, great. If not, probably better :) 

3. I'm also not claiming to be "right"- whatever that means

4... sorry, this is really lengthy

So... it's Summer time- woot. And I've been on facebook more often than normal. And I know we're on the cusp of another presidential election, and there are hundreds of socio-political hot topics that go along with that, not to mention the hundreds of issues (fiscal/military/educational/religious) which flood the media and our lives just because. These all seem to be in an unprecedented capacity, and I find myself quickly annoyed with the incessant online/media debates I see unfolding everywhere around me. 

Maybe it's no different than before- maybe I just actually pay attention now. But all of the sudden I feel like I can't escape the barrage of internet debate. And not just debate- war. I read paragraphs of accusatory, demeaning, cutting and irate opinion. I feel like I'm eavesdropping on a glorified version of a fight between four-year-olds: nuh uh, uh huh, nuh uh, uh huh. 

Granted, I don't have to read it. But sometimes I'm shocked by what comes out of whose "mouth". I find myself more and more heartbroken and concerned, because some of the most ridiculous stuff (in my opinion) is coming from the voice of Christians. People who I'm sure love Jesus, who go to church, blah blah blah. I have friends who are boycotting Chick-fil-A because of its lack of support/belief in homosexuality; and I have friends who are rallying around the restaurant because "it's a Christian organization, and Christians 'don't support gays'"... or maybe just because they love their chicken- let's face it... they have some dang good chicken... 

And it's not just the gay rights topic. There's abortion, medicare, taxes, separation of church & state, Obama-care, gun laws, education. You name it, I've read the war-scene on that front. 

Here is where my opinion and thought-processing come in. 

This all seems way too polarized to me. It doesn't look like anyone is having a conversation that actually involves listening. I will just be honest, and say that I'm not really diggin' either political party, or what they've come to 'represent'. And I don't think Jesus has parked out in either camp, and is vying to be either party's Face. The reason I say that, and the reason all of this really troubles me, is because I seriously question whether people are aware of what their words communicate when they speak on behalf of Christianity. 

Now I'm not saying there isn't anything good in politics; I'm not saying I hate our country, or that I am not grateful for the men and woman who selflessly live to provide us with the right to speak our opinions; nor am I saying that I have it all right and I know everything. 

What bothers me is that Christians seem more concerned with being right and getting their way, and having everyone agree with them and their religious/political beliefs, than fulfilling what their religion actually urges: to show the world that God loves us and desires a relationship with us. If we were to take that calling seriously and live in a way that communicates love, are we even aware of WHAT persuades and what DISSuades people? For example:

Homosexuality. Do I think it's a sin? Do I think it warrants going to hell? Do I think it's wrong? Yes. In the same way that I would say of a four-year-old who sticks his tongue out at his mother warrants going to hell. In the same way I would say of someone who doesn't take care of their body by not eating well or exercising, and being overweight. In the same way I would say of any person having sex before marriage. In the same way that we as a country have the ability to shelter and feed much of the world's sick/suffering, yet we greedily hoard our wealth. In the way that people make petty complaints and criticisms about how loud the drums are at church. In the same way I believe the religious tend to isolate, judge, and treat someone of any sexual orientation as being less than, by refusing them the ability to live as they, themselves would. 

Why are those sinful? Because none of that is what God intends for us, nor does it reflect how He treats us. That is what I believe. Because if I'm going to believe in a God, I'm going to believe He's God, not 91% divine. I'm going to have to take seriously all of what His Word says, not just the parts that I happen to like because they're convenient for me. So when He says "love your neighbor", I'm going to take that seriously.

Does that mean everyone is going to agree with me? No. So I'm left with the strategy and question: how can I live in a way that proves to others- not that I'm "right"- but that God really does love you?

...iiii'm gonna guess telling someone who's gay that you don't believe they deserve the same rights that you have is probably not convincing. I'd guess that's maybe isolating, hurtful and cause for defensiveness. 

...I'm also going to guess that if you tell women who have had abortions that they're baby killers and going to hell, they're probably not going to believe that there's a God who's Big, and Kind, and Merciful, and Redemptive enough to heal any pain or regret or confusion she might have. 

Aren't people aware of what we actually communicate apart from what we say? Or rather, what we communicate through what we say?? It breaks my heart that these elections and political topics create such vehemence between people, between the church even. I find it kind of ridiculous that people expect everyone else to agree with them- especially when their attempt to persuade or preach involves such force and demand. What has convinced us that pushing people away, or telling them they're wrong is a persuasive way to show people that God embodies love? If we really believe that God is compassionate enough to love us because He understands why we make silly, selfish life-choices, how can we refuse to empathize with others (read: listen to them to understand their perspective) when they struggle or make choices we don't agree with either? 

I was thinking the other day about what Jesus was like when He taught. What stuck out in my mind was that He always drew a crowd- a big crowd. Not everyone agreed with him. But they still came to hear what He had to say. He was alluring, because of what His message was. I'm guessing if His messages were something like, 

"I'm God and you are really screwed up people and you're all going to hell because you're such bad people- how could anyone ever love you- and you don't deserve basic rights because what you've done is so grievous, and, you know what, I'm already pretty tired of being around you so, peace out, good luck trying to sort out your own life"

...that probably would be a fairly short-lived ministry. Also... who would want to listen to that? Now He could have said all of that, and been 100% entitled, because it's true. But did He say that right off the bat? Or ever?? NO. He loved on people. He got to know them. He freaking was buddy-buddy with everyone that the religious were not. It was through His loving interactions that people developed a desire to follow Him. In fact, off all the people who Jesus harped on most, it was the religiously prideful, those who thought they had all the answers. Most importantly: He had every right to stand by the reality that we are all really messed up, and don't deserve to be defended at all (let alone loved by Him), and yet Jesus went through unimaginable discomfort, pain, accusation, betrayal and turmoil on our behalf. 

Did Jesus agree with any of our sin? No. 

Did He condone our ridiculous justifications for choosing to love something/one else other than Him? No.

But He "supported" us regardless. He fought for us.

Why do we approach loving others any differently? 

How has the church come to interpret His command to love others as: "love only those who agree with you and choose the same life-path that you have". 

And if your argument is, "yes, but God views homosexuality as sin", my question is A) did you not just read the bible clearly state that "Love your neighbor" as being the most important Christ-following concept, next to "Love God"? B) When the bible says "love your neighbor as yourself", you're telling me you receive the greatest number of warm-fuzzies/support when people come at you with disagreement and a reminder of all the ways you fail to meet their expectations (...really?... really?), and C) you reeeeally think you're going to convince someone that God is loving, if you aren't even taking the time to get to know them or show them that who they are- as is- is loved deeply and unimaginably by God?

And I don't mean any of this in the gay-rights-specific topic. I mean this in relation to anyone Christians are called to love on, and yet have a fairly negative track record in interacting with: the poor/homeless, orphans, psychologically disturbed due to substance abuse, pornography viewers, people of other religions, atheists/agnostics, "the liberal", anyone sexually active in an extra-marital capacity, abortion supporters. Just to name a few.

It also breaks my heart that the world somehow has interpreted "I don't agree with ____", as meaning "I hate _____". In their defense, though, is what we're communicating when we say "I don't agree with ____" really just that... or are we actually communicating "I hate ____" by the way that we disagree? If you really think about it, very rarely are the people who we judge actually inflicting harm/hurt upon us. I'd have to say that more often than not, the church has inflicted much more pain and harm on those we disagree with (can you say the Crusades, the KKK, and the number of truly tragic suicides by young teens who must cope with judgement and isolation because of their sexuality?)

I've been contemplating how we- as the church- might be more effective in actually representing God's love for people in a political atmosphere. And I really am only left with these questions that I must ask myself, and I think other people who claim to be Christians out to ask:

-When I speak my mind, am I doing it out the desire to get my way and be right- or am I emotionally invested in who I am speaking to, and will they see God's grace, hope and love in my words?

-If I were in this person/group of peoples shoes, what would I need from someone to really know they love me? Would it be support? Would it be community? Would it be financial aid?

-Am I trusting that God is big enough to change someone's life, or am I micromanaging in attempt to make someone the way I think God wants them to be?

I can't help but be convicted to really take seriously what the bible clearly says: 

--Matt. 5:43-46 "You have heard it said, 'Love your neighbor & hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not the pagans doing that?"

--Matt. 7:1-2 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you".

--Eph. 4:2-3, 29, 5:1-2 "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace... Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen... Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God". 

Again... I'm not claiming to have it all right. You might wildly disagree with my opinion, and that's fine. I'm not trying to say we need to roll over and tell everyone that they're all right, as long as they're true to themselves. I just don't think being outwardly (or inwardly) judgmental is very Christ-like. I mean that passage in Ephesians was Paul telling the Jews to, in love, bear with your Gentile brothers (your neighbors who you've spent the past hundreds of years warring against). I can't escape the feeling that we would all be quite damned if Jesus showed us the degree of love that we've been showing those who live differently than we do... And by the same token, if we were to love others in the way God actually loved us, I'd imagine that would be a significantly inspiring, convincing way of sharing that God loves. Regardless of what you believe: He loves. 

When I Grow Up, I Want To...

Alright, and we're back in business. It's been about a year since I've blogged, or had time enough to think about blogging, so I don't even know where to start. I suppose- for those of you who don't see/talk to us on a regular basis- a brief update of this past year is reasonable:

Ben & I began leasing a house a year ago, summer '11. It has been a huge blessing for us- it's hard to remember what it was like to live in our old apartment. At the risk of sounding horribly boring, the large majority of our life the past year has been about work...Thaaaat's about it, haha. 

-Ben continues to work for Teledrill; there was a wave of excitement and adventure as we rang in the New Year (2012), when Ben nearly began working elsewhere (for various reasons), but ended up accepting a counteroffer and pay-raise with Teledrill. 

-My bassoon studio has been on steroids, and has reached a population of 35+ students. It's been a significant adjustment for us in our marriage and routine. Obviously my schedule is not a 9-5 kinda job, so I've been working until 8:30pm M-F for this past year. It gives Ben & I a rough 2hr window to say our hello's, how was your day, it was good and yours?, and then somehow launch into whatever else needs doing. 

As I said... it's been an adjustment. And now that the semester has ended (for me), and I'm once again staring all this free time in the face, I'm forced to ask myself What the heck just happened? Where did all that time go? What am I doing with my life? 

I used to think there was something wrong with me, for not having it all figured out. But I realize now- in talking with friends and family in their 20s, 30s, 50s and so on- that everyone, in every life-phase, still says "when I grow up, I want to ______". Does anyone ever hit a point and say "I am grown up because I do ____"? 

I feel like I ought to think that of myself: I'm married, I run my own business, we're about to buy a house... those seem like pretty adult-ish things. But really, on the inside, I feel like I'm watching a home-video of my life on fastforward, and every couple of days or so, I push Pause to catch my breath and turn to someone to ask What the heck is going on, do I have the plot right??

Let me let you in on a little secret, and lil' inside scoop into my life: it's a mess. 

I am tired as heck. I'm burnt out, and I both look forward to, and dread these moments of stillness. The moments when I can catch my breath and re-evaluate whether I'm on track, and (scariest of all) make adjustments. 

Let me tell you a scary truth, something that feels impossible to explain to anyone who has known me for any number of years:

I don't know what I want to do with my life. 

I have been playing the bassoon for more of my life than not. My mom tells me that during one of the first weeks that I began playing, she remembers listening through the garage to me practice, picking out the notes to Titanic's "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion (yeah, that's how I roll). I remember graduating from High School, not questioning what I'd major in, just knowing 'well yeah, of course I'm going to pursue music performance'. And I spent my entire university career trying to awkwardly balance 'the college experience' with musical prestige, and who I am with who I can't be. 

And then I graduated from USC, and Ben & I moved out to TX, and I spent the first year & a half continuing to awkwardly balance 'real life' with musical prestige, and who I am with who I can't be, and over the course of the past 7 years of my life, I have come to this conclusion:

I am a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. 

Music is my heart; it's breathtaking, and powerful and it speaks to my soul in a way very few other things can. When I play certain things, when I speak to people through the art of performance, my everything resonates- I am the most alive version of myself. 

But the real kicker is that I need people. I love people! I love talking to them, figuring them out, helping them, listening to their stories. I think my heart is happiest when I am with someone who truly knows me, and I know them. 

Unfortunately, the way the 'professional', classical musical world works, you gotta sacrifice a lot- mostly time/relationships- and make music #1 in order to be successful. It's been a heartbreaking process for me. I fight hard to not believe that I'm a failure since I'm not doing what I was trained to do. I fight hard to believe that I do indeed have talent; that 'those who can't do, teach' isn't my fate. And at the end of the day, when I'm tempted to burn with jealousy and rage that soandso got suchandsuch position in oolala symphony, I step back and realize that all of that wouldn't mean a thing to me if I were alone. If I had to give up a vibrant, healthy relationship with my husband, the flexibility and ability to start a family, the web of relationships of my life, all so that I could get recognition for how hard I work... I think I would regret much of my life.

I am a square peg in a round hole. 

My life needs beauty and people, art and relationship, resonance with another. Part of what blows my mind about music to begin with is that it's a transcendental language. It doesn't matter what country you're from- if you can read music, love music, feel music: we speak the same language.

It's taken me several frustrating years to understand this about myself. I tell my students often that, in music, there are times when the harmonies are dissonant- they are passing, usually. It's important to lean into, accentuate the dissonance, because it creates tension and discomfort. But. we do that because it makes the resolution that much more beautiful and aesthetically pleasing when it arrives. 

I have been living the dissonance. I have felt tension from expectation and disappointment, hope and confusion. I don't think I've done a great job of leaning into it, though. I mean really, I feel like I've just been flailing- I'm sure I've been out-of-tune, too loud, and sloppy with it all, so to speak. 

But- thankfully- I think I have a better understanding and peace about my life not being exactly what was expected of it. And I have decided that I am going to lean into the difference (appropriately tuned and strong), and pray the result is breathtaking. Beautiful. Powerful. 

I'm not sure, exactly, how or what I'm going to do with my life. I hope there will always be music, and I hope it will always be shared with people I love. But, as I grow up, I want my life to resonate with others.

The Appreciation Room

Hello friends :) Looooong time, no talk. I sat down with the intent to maybe update or blog a bit, and realized I had a handful of 'drafts' of blogs, and therein became distracted reading them. The following rant in particular really made me chuckle, and so I thought I'd just go ahead and post it. I don't think I actually finished it, but... whatever. This is a sneak peek at what our marriage is really like, haha. But also, it's kind of encouraging for me to read through it and realize how much growth & maturity can take place even over the course of a few months (as this was written in July of 2011 I believe). Not that we've got it perfectly now- but in retrospect, the whole moving ordeal was rather stressful, and I know that we at least are able to work through stress a little better now. Hope I get a couple of "Amen's"... or at least a few "lol's"... 


**Be warned that the following contents reveal the True self of Ashley Jennings**

Well hello hello!

I've attempted to open this blog in a number of ways- only to backspace the entire thing & start again. So... let's just jump in, shall we?

Marriage is a funny thing. And by funny, I mean that it is sometimes Funny-Haha, and sometimes Funny-ThisIsSoNotWhatISignedUpFor. The majority of the time, I'm happy to say that our marriage is Funny-Haha. But there are times (like the past couple of weeks) when it's a little more... oh how do you say... intense. I like to console myself with the self-justification that those times correspond with a little thing we call PMS, but alas, they do occur. 

Maybe it's because I'm cooped up all day long and have way too much time on my hands to think, or maybe it's the fact that we're about to move, or maybe it's just seasonal, but the last couple of weeks have been like an itchy sweater, in that you're kinda stuck wearin' it, and even though it doesn't help all that much, you just keep scratching. Plus it's Summer, and the notion of wearing any genre of sweater seems downright sinful to me.

I digress. The point is, during the course of said itchy couple of weeks, I've noticed a corresponding relationship between intensity, and trust. Or maybe it's trust, and then intensity?... It's just that this whole marriage thing doesn't really work well if you're trying to make it work well for only one member. "Well, duh," you might think- and if you do, then kudos to you and your perfect life :P

I think what happened was a couple of weeks ago, Ben & I hit a little bump (or, you know, like, 17 bumps) in our Logistics Road coordinating our move-out-of-apartment-and-into-house situation. Being the mature, supportive wife that I am, I promptly threw a fit on the couch, cried my eyeballs out, and yelled at Ben that this whole situation was his fault. It has, from that moment on, been progressively more difficult to act in love towards this man who I am married to, and live with.

One night, everything kind of culminated in some silly argument (the kind where you reach the point that neither party really remembers what you're arguing about). One of the things I genuinely love about Ben- a man of very few words- is that there are times when he will say something that seriously cuts through every fiber of my skin & muscle & tissue, straight to the very guarded, dark recesses of my vulnerable heart. This was one of those moments: "Ashley, the choice to trust me is yours alone- and if you choose not to, then of course everything I say is going to come out sounding the way you fear it will". See, I often say that I'm working on trusting Ben. But after he said that... I did some deep-down-assessing of my "efforts" in trusting, and realized that, by "working on", I really meant "I'm waiting on you to prove that you're 100% fail-proof, & you're never going to hurt or disappoint me again, and when you start to prove that then I'll happily trust you".

...I know, I know... it's a really bad habit. 

And so, I've resolved to sever this inverse relationship between intensity & trust, and somehow live in such a way that the two strengthen each other: when things get more intense, the harder I work to trust Ben. And not just Ben alone, but people. Because I'm also realizing that this 'bad habit' seeps into all of the relationships I share with people- especially the very meaningful ones. 

So I'm reading through yet another book: The Love Dare (thanks to my friends Sasha, & Andrea). It's from the movie Fireproof *whatup Kirk Cameron* It essentially explores the characteristics of Love, and gives daily challenges to incorporate specific actions to show your spouse you love them. I think it's a fantastic book- and would encourage anyone (single, dating, etc) to read it. But maybe especially people who are engaged.

I like to think that the majority of the young, Christian couples that are dating or engaged are super excited (and impatient) to tie the knot. I think this is great. But I also think (particularly for young, Christian couples) a lot of the "I'm so excited to get married" is code for "I'm so excited to have sex". I'm not sayin' it's everyone- just most. And maybe it's not sex- maybe it's a different aspect of marriage; but there's some specific expectation they have of what marriage entails that they're not experiencing yet. I can say this because, well, I do that.

But what you don't hear people saying when they're dating or engaged is "I just can't wait to be selfless, and uncomfortably humble"; or, "I'm so excited to not give my prideful opinion, even though I'm pretty positive my idea is better"; or, "I would be so happy if we could just disagree so I could trust him while I'm very personally offended." 

People don't say that. But those are precisely the things that need to happen- the things I really need to work on- in order to make a marriage work. One of my best friends in the world, Andrea, uses a great phrase when talking about loving your significant other: loving them in the verb, as opposed to the emotion. And that's exactly what this Love Dare book is all about: going beyond the lovey dovey, ooey gooey, butterflies in your stomach love, and putting actions to your emotions (particularly when your emotions aren't lovey dovey). 

Let's be clear, though- I'm not talking about the kind of love the world talks about. I'm talking about Perfect Love- the only kind of love that makes this life worth while. The other day- during another one of these little tiffs- I frustratedly sat down and flipped open my bible, and happened to open to 1 Corinthians 13. Everyone knows it- even the most antireligious person: 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres".

...I could honestly sit there and say that I was NOT fulfilling a single description... Why? Because I have been so fixated on the negative, on the intensity, on me my i mine self.

So I went back to one of my favorite parts of The Love Dare. Going off of, 'Love believes all things, hopes all things', Kendrick says

"In the deep & private corridors of your heart, there is a room. It's called the Appreciation Room. It's where your thoughts go when you encounter positive & encouraging things about your spouse... Most things in the Appreciation Room were likely written in the initial stages of your relationship. You could summarize them as things you liked & respected about your loved one... And you spent a great deal of time dwelling on them in this room... before you were married... Down another darker corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, and unfortunately you visit there as well. ...The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your spouse... You may say, 'but these things are true!' Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room... It's time to move into the Appreciation Room, to settle down & make it your home."

And that is exactly what I'm planning on doing.