The Appreciation Room

Hello friends :) Looooong time, no talk. I sat down with the intent to maybe update or blog a bit, and realized I had a handful of 'drafts' of blogs, and therein became distracted reading them. The following rant in particular really made me chuckle, and so I thought I'd just go ahead and post it. I don't think I actually finished it, but... whatever. This is a sneak peek at what our marriage is really like, haha. But also, it's kind of encouraging for me to read through it and realize how much growth & maturity can take place even over the course of a few months (as this was written in July of 2011 I believe). Not that we've got it perfectly now- but in retrospect, the whole moving ordeal was rather stressful, and I know that we at least are able to work through stress a little better now. Hope I get a couple of "Amen's"... or at least a few "lol's"... 


**Be warned that the following contents reveal the True self of Ashley Jennings**

Well hello hello!

I've attempted to open this blog in a number of ways- only to backspace the entire thing & start again. So... let's just jump in, shall we?

Marriage is a funny thing. And by funny, I mean that it is sometimes Funny-Haha, and sometimes Funny-ThisIsSoNotWhatISignedUpFor. The majority of the time, I'm happy to say that our marriage is Funny-Haha. But there are times (like the past couple of weeks) when it's a little more... oh how do you say... intense. I like to console myself with the self-justification that those times correspond with a little thing we call PMS, but alas, they do occur. 

Maybe it's because I'm cooped up all day long and have way too much time on my hands to think, or maybe it's the fact that we're about to move, or maybe it's just seasonal, but the last couple of weeks have been like an itchy sweater, in that you're kinda stuck wearin' it, and even though it doesn't help all that much, you just keep scratching. Plus it's Summer, and the notion of wearing any genre of sweater seems downright sinful to me.

I digress. The point is, during the course of said itchy couple of weeks, I've noticed a corresponding relationship between intensity, and trust. Or maybe it's trust, and then intensity?... It's just that this whole marriage thing doesn't really work well if you're trying to make it work well for only one member. "Well, duh," you might think- and if you do, then kudos to you and your perfect life :P

I think what happened was a couple of weeks ago, Ben & I hit a little bump (or, you know, like, 17 bumps) in our Logistics Road coordinating our move-out-of-apartment-and-into-house situation. Being the mature, supportive wife that I am, I promptly threw a fit on the couch, cried my eyeballs out, and yelled at Ben that this whole situation was his fault. It has, from that moment on, been progressively more difficult to act in love towards this man who I am married to, and live with.

One night, everything kind of culminated in some silly argument (the kind where you reach the point that neither party really remembers what you're arguing about). One of the things I genuinely love about Ben- a man of very few words- is that there are times when he will say something that seriously cuts through every fiber of my skin & muscle & tissue, straight to the very guarded, dark recesses of my vulnerable heart. This was one of those moments: "Ashley, the choice to trust me is yours alone- and if you choose not to, then of course everything I say is going to come out sounding the way you fear it will". See, I often say that I'm working on trusting Ben. But after he said that... I did some deep-down-assessing of my "efforts" in trusting, and realized that, by "working on", I really meant "I'm waiting on you to prove that you're 100% fail-proof, & you're never going to hurt or disappoint me again, and when you start to prove that then I'll happily trust you".

...I know, I know... it's a really bad habit. 

And so, I've resolved to sever this inverse relationship between intensity & trust, and somehow live in such a way that the two strengthen each other: when things get more intense, the harder I work to trust Ben. And not just Ben alone, but people. Because I'm also realizing that this 'bad habit' seeps into all of the relationships I share with people- especially the very meaningful ones. 

So I'm reading through yet another book: The Love Dare (thanks to my friends Sasha, & Andrea). It's from the movie Fireproof *whatup Kirk Cameron* It essentially explores the characteristics of Love, and gives daily challenges to incorporate specific actions to show your spouse you love them. I think it's a fantastic book- and would encourage anyone (single, dating, etc) to read it. But maybe especially people who are engaged.

I like to think that the majority of the young, Christian couples that are dating or engaged are super excited (and impatient) to tie the knot. I think this is great. But I also think (particularly for young, Christian couples) a lot of the "I'm so excited to get married" is code for "I'm so excited to have sex". I'm not sayin' it's everyone- just most. And maybe it's not sex- maybe it's a different aspect of marriage; but there's some specific expectation they have of what marriage entails that they're not experiencing yet. I can say this because, well, I do that.

But what you don't hear people saying when they're dating or engaged is "I just can't wait to be selfless, and uncomfortably humble"; or, "I'm so excited to not give my prideful opinion, even though I'm pretty positive my idea is better"; or, "I would be so happy if we could just disagree so I could trust him while I'm very personally offended." 

People don't say that. But those are precisely the things that need to happen- the things I really need to work on- in order to make a marriage work. One of my best friends in the world, Andrea, uses a great phrase when talking about loving your significant other: loving them in the verb, as opposed to the emotion. And that's exactly what this Love Dare book is all about: going beyond the lovey dovey, ooey gooey, butterflies in your stomach love, and putting actions to your emotions (particularly when your emotions aren't lovey dovey). 

Let's be clear, though- I'm not talking about the kind of love the world talks about. I'm talking about Perfect Love- the only kind of love that makes this life worth while. The other day- during another one of these little tiffs- I frustratedly sat down and flipped open my bible, and happened to open to 1 Corinthians 13. Everyone knows it- even the most antireligious person: 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres".

...I could honestly sit there and say that I was NOT fulfilling a single description... Why? Because I have been so fixated on the negative, on the intensity, on me my i mine self.

So I went back to one of my favorite parts of The Love Dare. Going off of, 'Love believes all things, hopes all things', Kendrick says

"In the deep & private corridors of your heart, there is a room. It's called the Appreciation Room. It's where your thoughts go when you encounter positive & encouraging things about your spouse... Most things in the Appreciation Room were likely written in the initial stages of your relationship. You could summarize them as things you liked & respected about your loved one... And you spent a great deal of time dwelling on them in this room... before you were married... Down another darker corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, and unfortunately you visit there as well. ...The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your spouse... You may say, 'but these things are true!' Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room... It's time to move into the Appreciation Room, to settle down & make it your home."

And that is exactly what I'm planning on doing. 

Conviction

12 The Promised Land is a land the Lord your God cares for; 

the eyes of the Lord your God are continually on it

from the beginning of the year to its end...

15 God will provide grass in the fields for your cattle, 

and you will eat & be satisfied.

16 Be careful, or you will be enticed to turn away & worship other gods & bow down to them.

17 Then the Lord's anger will burn against you, 

& He will shut the heavens so that it will not rain

and the ground will yield no produce,

and you will soon perish from the good land the Lord is giving you.

--Deuteronomy 11:12, 15-17

What if, by "land", "grass", & "cattle", I read Provisions- for whatever need is in my life.

What if, by "other gods", I read Physical Beauty. Control. Safety. Being right. Self.

What if, by "ground will yield no produce", I read Will never be at peace with the way things are now.

How often do you or I flail to attain even the inherently & genuinely good things in life, but experience perpetual disappointment because we expect things to work on our terms? 

I do want a healthy marriage- I want to trust, to be gracious, and to encourage my husband when we're both imperfect. I want to see a difference when I work out & seek nutritional balance - because I do those things way more often than not. I want to be at peace with the way I earn my living- despite the fact that it isn't what I thought I would do growing up. I want to feel like I'm not disappointing someone, somewhere, somehow, on any given day.

But I can't do any of those things, no matter how hard & consistent I try.

I can't do them on my own. Do you ever feel that way?

Home Is Where Your Stuff Is... I mean... Where Your Heart Is

Dear All,

I write to you from the Casa de Jennings 2.0. That's right, we are up 'n running, and actually in a house! 

It has a been a whirlwind month; lots of change, lots of stress, lots of exciting things happening! Let me give you a rundown of our life over the past couple months.

Ben's been traveling a lot more for work- mainly to Pennsylvania. He's really been enjoying things lately. I really love that he loves his job- it's that much more fulfilling for us. I've been working fewer hours, but still manage to keep myself busy. I just finished teaching a week long class at one of the high schools for their end-of-summer band prep. The last couple of weeks in particular have been downright exhausting. We were really blessed in that we kind of had the run of the house before our lease actually started, so we were able to paint some and get big stuff moved in at our leisure. I can not imagine what it would have been like trying to do one big move all at once. I would have died.

I haven't exactly explained the whole house-situation to some of you; so for those of you who think, "wait, what?? They're in a house??" let me give ya the skinny. Essentially my bassoon teacher/colleague (who I studied with all throughout Middle/High School) moved to Philadelphia because of her husband's job. Through a turn of events & a lot of miraculous conversations, it turns out that Ben & I are now leasing the house! There have been countless instances where we've thought, "well... this seems impossible", but God has opened doors & paved ways, and made it abundantly clear that this is the place to be. He's provided so much, and we know it's all because of His grace, and 0% because of us. (i.e. there was a little mix-up at our apartment concerning our lease, and we were very nearly forced to hand over $1,200 in fees... essentially we were going to have to throw away over a grand because we didn't give the appropriate # of days' notice that we were moving. But it turns out the apartment didn't give us the appropriate # of days' reminder to give notice, which allowed 30 days notice sufficient... yeah, we found this out on the 30th day before we planned on moving out... thereby allowing us to keep our $1,200. Miraculous.)

All that to say, it's been quite the roller coaster. We spent a week painting, moving, getting settled, unpacking- all that jazz. THANK YOU, thank you friends & family (Mom, Dad, Aunty Ellen, Sammantha & Luke, Andrea & Tepera, Jeremy, Chad, Luke) for helping us lug all our stuff back and forth. We finally have juuuust about everything in its' place, particularly because yesterday we hosted our first ever House Warming Party! It was splendid, just splendid. Saturday was actually my 24th birthday (that means official mid-20's, right?... eesh) so Ben took me out to a surprise hotel-stay and fancy, fancy Italian Restaurant. Then we returned to our house (teehee) for a day of celebration in the home. I've told a couple of my friends: I think we're just about beat. We're so mentally incapable of having errands, details, adjustments, & to-do lists hanging over our heads; and our bodies can't take many more demands, I don't think. I seriously am concerned that I have stress fractures in my feet from jumping up and down stairs and ladders, and just standing for so many hours each day. We are READY to enjoy this home now; which, I think, yesterday really helped us jump-start :)

So, here are some official pictures of the new house. We are so excited to see what all life brings us in this new phase of life. Each night I feel like Ben or I make mention of how blessed we feel to be in this home- we can't wait to use it to host friends, family, ministry... we can't to see how God uses us through it.
(oh, forgive Brandi- she just trailed me around the house, so she's in a lot of the pictures and wouldn't get out of the way... *shrug*)

Our Front Yard!

My Welcome Sign... I don't know why the pic is sideways...

Living Room- standing in the backdoor looking in

Back Yard! Patio :)

Brandi loves her back yard

I couldn't resist O:)

Living Room

Living Room/Kitchen view

my artsy fartsy bookshelf 

other wall of the Living Room... + Brandi & her big tongue

Kitchen

Dining Room (keep in mind the wall-color is the same as the Living Room; the light/flash just makes it look different in these pictures)

there are things hanging on these walls, thanks to my mom & dad :)

other wall of Dining room, next to Kitchen entry

Guest Bathroom... that's right- we have one for guests; lucky you!

Ashley's office/bassoon studio

I have already littered my desk

Ben's office/computer room- right now everything we're not sure what to do with gets thrown in here... oops :(

woohoo, USC!

(this is to give perspective- standing in kitchen, looking into dining & main front entry)

other wall of Kitchen

standing in kitchen, looking into Living Room

 Master Bedroom

Still need to hand things on the walls in here...

 Master Bath

 Garden Tub :) yessssss

Casa de Jennings!

Say "Cheeeeeeeese"

We realize the majority of these pictures are of Brandi- but it's as requested by popular demand! Plus we've been really bad about taking lots of pictures lately (oops!) Aside from lazy weekends at home, Ben & I have gone to Washington on the Brazos, Galveston Beach, and I visited one of my best friends- Matty- in Boulder, CO (which was fantastic!). Hopefully in a couple of weeks Ben & I will take a weekend trip to some campsite in SE, TX (with Brandi). We'll definitely take some pictures on that trip. Then to good ol' Spokane in August! (after we move in to our new house, and host our very first ever House Warming party) Woohoo!! Stay tuned for future pic blogs :)

 Long roadtrip to Washington on the Brazos

 Zen Chad

 Tori being harassed by Brandi (pretty typical)

 Our new backyard! We'll be moving in at the end of July!

(more pics to come once we've moved in)

 Celebrating our friends, Luke & Sammantha, at their wedding in June!

 Father's Day at the beach, celebrating Dad & his new surfboard! Love my dad :)

 Brandi's first Water Experience at the beach

We were only slightly fearful of the foam waves for the first hour and half... and then success!!

 Like owner like... dog?

 Ben was doing something marginally entertaining

 lazy pup

 "I'm really tired of this game"

 "You have my full attention with that toy in your hand!"

 

please note that Brandi hits Ben in the leg with toy while he's on the phone

Brandi cussing me out... as usual

Brandi's understanding of "play dead" is to put her head on the floor... she's lazy

Good Kind of Bad

disclaimer: Rant Ahead.

 

Today I feel... feisty. 

You know?... Agitated. Restless. Unsettled. 

Like something way deep down is off kilter, & everything on top of it is so close to off-balance that it might just all topple over with the slightest little bump. 

It's not that I'm surprised by this feeling; in fact, I'm pretty sure it's been building over the past few days. 

It's more that I'm frustrated by its nagging, unrelenting presence.

You see, it's Summer- finally. 

The last weeks of the semester were like an elementary school playground: loud, chaotic, and they smelled faintly of grass & sweat. 

Loud, in that I'd lie down at night & couldn't get my mind to chill out enough to sleep.

Chaotic, in that we were trying to balance graduations & recitals & parties & travel & life.

And stinky... because, well, it's too dang hot, and we haven't had any rain for months & months, and for the love of PETE I just want a good, ol' thunder storm, because this is Texas, right?? Where the flip is the rain??

But now- as I said- it's Summer. 

Finally.

And well, I have all this time; it's amaaaazing. I'm only teaching 3 days a week (because, let's face it, who wants to take bassoon lessons during the summer?) But now I have this stupid... feisty feeling rumbling around inside of me, like a racquetball in an enclosed room.

It's the kind of feisty that makes me think a lot, because it's inescapable. It makes me question a lot of things that I don't understand, things that bother me about this world.

Why are children born with disabilities?

Why does our country have so much at its disposal, but we do hardly anything for the destitution within & surrounding us?

Why am I so selfish?

What am I doing with my life??

Why do some 'Christians' believe that they are better than any other person?

If I ever have children... will I emotionally hurt or scar them?...

Why can't I lose weight no matter how much I work out?

 

Let me assure you, you're lucky you don't live in my mind.

I recently spoke with a friend who said they had heard that "Americans don't know how to be at rest".

At the time, I self-righteously thought, "well yeah, most don't, but I think I have a pretty good handle on that."

Riiiiight... which is why these thoughts are about to drive me up the wall... Which is why I keep turning on the TV, going on FB, and utilizing other, various acronyms.

And despite all of my efforts to escape my feisty thoughts, all it's doing is making me outwardly feisty & frumpy, and just straight-up not OK with this world. This has been one of my biggest issues:

People- Christians- who have been Christians so long without enough interaction with people (or real life??), that they say things like, "I don't know how anybody could ever do _______." 

Pet Peve #1: Christians who judgmentally complain about smokers, alcoholics, pornography, the homeless, women who have had abortions, divorce, profanity, homosexuality, drugs, pre/extra-marital sex, tattoos, AIDS/STDs and/or just having a difference of opinion on life/worship/religion.

Now hear me straight: I'm not necessarily saying I agree with, or condone any of those topics, necessarily.

But do I understand that that is the experience & reality of many, many people. People I know. People I love. And I am so... SO sick & tired & frustrated with people who claim to represent the Love of Christ, who instead cast judgment on people who are searching for fulfillment (with a lot of that list included), and that these 'christians' feel justified because they attend church on Sundays, throw a few bucks in an offering plate, and have sponsored some child halfway across the globe.

Here here here, one more thing- just humor me, I'm feisty. This is what I want to say- scream- at people when I hear "I don't understand how people can ______". I want to say:

It is heartbreaking how distorted a view of grace you have; you claim to be a follower of Christ, when you live & speak & show that He somehow requires perfection before He can give love. You spread lies and discouragement to the very people Christ died for. He didn't come to mend the whole; He came to bring hope to the hopeless, healing to the sick, Love to the forgotten, acceptance to the rejected, and fulfillment to those who have never tasted satisfaction in this life. You say you can't imagine how anyone could ever resort to sex or drugs or money; but how are they to believe there is a Hope, when you- who claim to believe- tell them they'll never be good enough for Him until they change. He loves as we are, that others might see how transformational His great mercy is.

 

That's what I'd say. Or scream. Depending on how feisty I was. 

  Only the problem is, on feisty days like this, I get so irritated that I start judging the judgmental people. "NObody gets it right!," I want to scream, "everyone is just SO stupid & self-righteous!". Only I don't say those things, and it all stays bottled up. Until that tiny little bump happens, and all my potentially-imbalanced mess becomes actual imbalanced mess, and I snap at Ben, something like, "well why would you even load the dishwasher like that, it's not even space-efficient; ugh, just let me do it."

...

Aaaand then I come full-circle and realize, "Ah yes. I, too, am part of this whole, big, sinful problem," and my ache & need for that beautiful, encompassing grace is renewed.

So, see: it's Summer. And my whopping amounts of spare time are leaving my brain a little too active. And even though it kinda is making me feel bad... I think it's the good kind of bad. You know? I can just feel a lot of growth on the horizon. The kind of growth that comes from waiting, and resting, and then doing (instead of complaining). I'm glad it's the Summer- finally. 

 Time to be still, and remember God's grace is for all people- the broken and the healed.

 Time to listen, and see what parts of my life need healing, and what people around me ache to be loved.

And time to be renewed, so that I can better love those in need.

Life Update

Yeah yeah yeah, I know: two blogs in one morning.

I happen to have time on my hands today :) 

So... here's a rundown of what is goin on in our lives as of late. Thought I'd share, because I feel like it's goin fast!

ONE YEAR! 

Ben and I celebrated our First Wedding Anniversary a couple weekends ago, April 2nd. We went back to the hotel we stayed at our wedding night and spent the weekend eating great food, watching movies (thank you Redbox) playing board games and reading. Gloriously relaxing celebration weekend. 

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS

This is a little premature... but looks like Ben and I miiiight be moving into a HOUSE within the new few months!! More news to come on that in the very near future! 

STUDIO RECITAL

I am ridiculously blessed to have upwards of 30 students... I can't believe it. So I'm excited to announce that I will be holding a recital for my studio of students on June 3rd. Should be a really fun evening, watching my kids perform; I even play to do a bit of performing myself... I'll try to upload a recording for all y'all who can't be there. 

OVERHAULIN'

Ben's work has been going through some major revamping, but I don't think I've ever seen him come home as pumped and excited about what's happening at his job as I have over the past few weeks. He loves his job, and I know it thrills him to be apart of something new and growing. I love hearing about it :)

BRANDI

Oooooh puppy face. Let me tell you... we have the cutest, smartest dog in the world. 

Yeah I know, probably not. BUT, we love her, and she really is super fun to have around. And she is smart... most of the time. We've been experiencing some major progress in keeping her calm when new people come around... she has the tendency to jump up when she's excited, because she thinks everyone in the world is her best friend and wants to play with her. So... progress is good. She kinda seems like she's plateaued in growth, she's probably give or take 35 lbs so... I'm guessing 50-ish will be where she tops out at. Anyway, yes, we're obsessed; she is our child. 

Auntie Tori came over to play- Feb 2011

singing duets with Tori- Feb 2011

Brandi looooves to hang out on the balcony and watch everyone outside

this look is "...wait... are you really going to throw my toy like you said?"

Brandi with her toy, Betsy the BaBa Sheep... yes, that is what we call it.

my favorite picture ever

pretty face :)

Outside!! Brandi's favorite place to be- going for walks every other day is what she lives for.

Daddy, laying down the law with treat in hand

April 2011