disclaimer: Rant Ahead.
Today I feel... feisty.
You know?... Agitated. Restless. Unsettled.
Like something way deep down is off kilter, & everything on top of it is so close to off-balance that it might just all topple over with the slightest little bump.
It's not that I'm surprised by this feeling; in fact, I'm pretty sure it's been building over the past few days.
It's more that I'm frustrated by its nagging, unrelenting presence.
You see, it's Summer- finally.
The last weeks of the semester were like an elementary school playground: loud, chaotic, and they smelled faintly of grass & sweat.
Loud, in that I'd lie down at night & couldn't get my mind to chill out enough to sleep.
Chaotic, in that we were trying to balance graduations & recitals & parties & travel & life.
And stinky... because, well, it's too dang hot, and we haven't had any rain for months & months, and for the love of PETE I just want a good, ol' thunder storm, because this is Texas, right?? Where the flip is the rain??
But now- as I said- it's Summer.
Finally.
And well, I have all this time; it's amaaaazing. I'm only teaching 3 days a week (because, let's face it, who wants to take bassoon lessons during the summer?) But now I have this stupid... feisty feeling rumbling around inside of me, like a racquetball in an enclosed room.
It's the kind of feisty that makes me think a lot, because it's inescapable. It makes me question a lot of things that I don't understand, things that bother me about this world.
Why are children born with disabilities?
Why does our country have so much at its disposal, but we do hardly anything for the destitution within & surrounding us?
Why am I so selfish?
What am I doing with my life??
Why do some 'Christians' believe that they are better than any other person?
If I ever have children... will I emotionally hurt or scar them?...
Why can't I lose weight no matter how much I work out?
Let me assure you, you're lucky you don't live in my mind.
I recently spoke with a friend who said they had heard that "Americans don't know how to be at rest".
At the time, I self-righteously thought, "well yeah, most don't, but I think I have a pretty good handle on that."
Riiiiight... which is why these thoughts are about to drive me up the wall... Which is why I keep turning on the TV, going on FB, and utilizing other, various acronyms.
And despite all of my efforts to escape my feisty thoughts, all it's doing is making me outwardly feisty & frumpy, and just straight-up not OK with this world. This has been one of my biggest issues:
People- Christians- who have been Christians so long without enough interaction with people (or real life??), that they say things like, "I don't know how anybody could ever do _______."
Pet Peve #1: Christians who judgmentally complain about smokers, alcoholics, pornography, the homeless, women who have had abortions, divorce, profanity, homosexuality, drugs, pre/extra-marital sex, tattoos, AIDS/STDs and/or just having a difference of opinion on life/worship/religion.
Now hear me straight: I'm not necessarily saying I agree with, or condone any of those topics, necessarily.
But do I understand that that is the experience & reality of many, many people. People I know. People I love. And I am so... SO sick & tired & frustrated with people who claim to represent the Love of Christ, who instead cast judgment on people who are searching for fulfillment (with a lot of that list included), and that these 'christians' feel justified because they attend church on Sundays, throw a few bucks in an offering plate, and have sponsored some child halfway across the globe.
Here here here, one more thing- just humor me, I'm feisty. This is what I want to say- scream- at people when I hear "I don't understand how people can ______". I want to say:
It is heartbreaking how distorted a view of grace you have; you claim to be a follower of Christ, when you live & speak & show that He somehow requires perfection before He can give love. You spread lies and discouragement to the very people Christ died for. He didn't come to mend the whole; He came to bring hope to the hopeless, healing to the sick, Love to the forgotten, acceptance to the rejected, and fulfillment to those who have never tasted satisfaction in this life. You say you can't imagine how anyone could ever resort to sex or drugs or money; but how are they to believe there is a Hope, when you- who claim to believe- tell them they'll never be good enough for Him until they change. He loves as we are, that others might see how transformational His great mercy is.
That's what I'd say. Or scream. Depending on how feisty I was.
Only the problem is, on feisty days like this, I get so irritated that I start judging the judgmental people. "NObody gets it right!," I want to scream, "everyone is just SO stupid & self-righteous!". Only I don't say those things, and it all stays bottled up. Until that tiny little bump happens, and all my potentially-imbalanced mess becomes actual imbalanced mess, and I snap at Ben, something like, "well why would you even load the dishwasher like that, it's not even space-efficient; ugh, just let me do it."
...
Aaaand then I come full-circle and realize, "Ah yes. I, too, am part of this whole, big, sinful problem," and my ache & need for that beautiful, encompassing grace is renewed.
So, see: it's Summer. And my whopping amounts of spare time are leaving my brain a little too active. And even though it kinda is making me feel bad... I think it's the good kind of bad. You know? I can just feel a lot of growth on the horizon. The kind of growth that comes from waiting, and resting, and then doing (instead of complaining). I'm glad it's the Summer- finally.
Time to be still, and remember God's grace is for all people- the broken and the healed.
Time to listen, and see what parts of my life need healing, and what people around me ache to be loved.
And time to be renewed, so that I can better love those in need.
