Love & Support

I can't for the life of me figure out how to preface this stream-of-consciousness in a graceful manner so... first let me just give a couple of disclaimers: 

1. This is purely a thought-process of mine, typed out. I'm in no way trying to win someone over to my opinion. 

2. I'm not trying to begin some debate or battle of wits; if we end up talking more, great. If not, probably better :) 

3. I'm also not claiming to be "right"- whatever that means

4... sorry, this is really lengthy

So... it's Summer time- woot. And I've been on facebook more often than normal. And I know we're on the cusp of another presidential election, and there are hundreds of socio-political hot topics that go along with that, not to mention the hundreds of issues (fiscal/military/educational/religious) which flood the media and our lives just because. These all seem to be in an unprecedented capacity, and I find myself quickly annoyed with the incessant online/media debates I see unfolding everywhere around me. 

Maybe it's no different than before- maybe I just actually pay attention now. But all of the sudden I feel like I can't escape the barrage of internet debate. And not just debate- war. I read paragraphs of accusatory, demeaning, cutting and irate opinion. I feel like I'm eavesdropping on a glorified version of a fight between four-year-olds: nuh uh, uh huh, nuh uh, uh huh. 

Granted, I don't have to read it. But sometimes I'm shocked by what comes out of whose "mouth". I find myself more and more heartbroken and concerned, because some of the most ridiculous stuff (in my opinion) is coming from the voice of Christians. People who I'm sure love Jesus, who go to church, blah blah blah. I have friends who are boycotting Chick-fil-A because of its lack of support/belief in homosexuality; and I have friends who are rallying around the restaurant because "it's a Christian organization, and Christians 'don't support gays'"... or maybe just because they love their chicken- let's face it... they have some dang good chicken... 

And it's not just the gay rights topic. There's abortion, medicare, taxes, separation of church & state, Obama-care, gun laws, education. You name it, I've read the war-scene on that front. 

Here is where my opinion and thought-processing come in. 

This all seems way too polarized to me. It doesn't look like anyone is having a conversation that actually involves listening. I will just be honest, and say that I'm not really diggin' either political party, or what they've come to 'represent'. And I don't think Jesus has parked out in either camp, and is vying to be either party's Face. The reason I say that, and the reason all of this really troubles me, is because I seriously question whether people are aware of what their words communicate when they speak on behalf of Christianity. 

Now I'm not saying there isn't anything good in politics; I'm not saying I hate our country, or that I am not grateful for the men and woman who selflessly live to provide us with the right to speak our opinions; nor am I saying that I have it all right and I know everything. 

What bothers me is that Christians seem more concerned with being right and getting their way, and having everyone agree with them and their religious/political beliefs, than fulfilling what their religion actually urges: to show the world that God loves us and desires a relationship with us. If we were to take that calling seriously and live in a way that communicates love, are we even aware of WHAT persuades and what DISSuades people? For example:

Homosexuality. Do I think it's a sin? Do I think it warrants going to hell? Do I think it's wrong? Yes. In the same way that I would say of a four-year-old who sticks his tongue out at his mother warrants going to hell. In the same way I would say of someone who doesn't take care of their body by not eating well or exercising, and being overweight. In the same way I would say of any person having sex before marriage. In the same way that we as a country have the ability to shelter and feed much of the world's sick/suffering, yet we greedily hoard our wealth. In the way that people make petty complaints and criticisms about how loud the drums are at church. In the same way I believe the religious tend to isolate, judge, and treat someone of any sexual orientation as being less than, by refusing them the ability to live as they, themselves would. 

Why are those sinful? Because none of that is what God intends for us, nor does it reflect how He treats us. That is what I believe. Because if I'm going to believe in a God, I'm going to believe He's God, not 91% divine. I'm going to have to take seriously all of what His Word says, not just the parts that I happen to like because they're convenient for me. So when He says "love your neighbor", I'm going to take that seriously.

Does that mean everyone is going to agree with me? No. So I'm left with the strategy and question: how can I live in a way that proves to others- not that I'm "right"- but that God really does love you?

...iiii'm gonna guess telling someone who's gay that you don't believe they deserve the same rights that you have is probably not convincing. I'd guess that's maybe isolating, hurtful and cause for defensiveness. 

...I'm also going to guess that if you tell women who have had abortions that they're baby killers and going to hell, they're probably not going to believe that there's a God who's Big, and Kind, and Merciful, and Redemptive enough to heal any pain or regret or confusion she might have. 

Aren't people aware of what we actually communicate apart from what we say? Or rather, what we communicate through what we say?? It breaks my heart that these elections and political topics create such vehemence between people, between the church even. I find it kind of ridiculous that people expect everyone else to agree with them- especially when their attempt to persuade or preach involves such force and demand. What has convinced us that pushing people away, or telling them they're wrong is a persuasive way to show people that God embodies love? If we really believe that God is compassionate enough to love us because He understands why we make silly, selfish life-choices, how can we refuse to empathize with others (read: listen to them to understand their perspective) when they struggle or make choices we don't agree with either? 

I was thinking the other day about what Jesus was like when He taught. What stuck out in my mind was that He always drew a crowd- a big crowd. Not everyone agreed with him. But they still came to hear what He had to say. He was alluring, because of what His message was. I'm guessing if His messages were something like, 

"I'm God and you are really screwed up people and you're all going to hell because you're such bad people- how could anyone ever love you- and you don't deserve basic rights because what you've done is so grievous, and, you know what, I'm already pretty tired of being around you so, peace out, good luck trying to sort out your own life"

...that probably would be a fairly short-lived ministry. Also... who would want to listen to that? Now He could have said all of that, and been 100% entitled, because it's true. But did He say that right off the bat? Or ever?? NO. He loved on people. He got to know them. He freaking was buddy-buddy with everyone that the religious were not. It was through His loving interactions that people developed a desire to follow Him. In fact, off all the people who Jesus harped on most, it was the religiously prideful, those who thought they had all the answers. Most importantly: He had every right to stand by the reality that we are all really messed up, and don't deserve to be defended at all (let alone loved by Him), and yet Jesus went through unimaginable discomfort, pain, accusation, betrayal and turmoil on our behalf. 

Did Jesus agree with any of our sin? No. 

Did He condone our ridiculous justifications for choosing to love something/one else other than Him? No.

But He "supported" us regardless. He fought for us.

Why do we approach loving others any differently? 

How has the church come to interpret His command to love others as: "love only those who agree with you and choose the same life-path that you have". 

And if your argument is, "yes, but God views homosexuality as sin", my question is A) did you not just read the bible clearly state that "Love your neighbor" as being the most important Christ-following concept, next to "Love God"? B) When the bible says "love your neighbor as yourself", you're telling me you receive the greatest number of warm-fuzzies/support when people come at you with disagreement and a reminder of all the ways you fail to meet their expectations (...really?... really?), and C) you reeeeally think you're going to convince someone that God is loving, if you aren't even taking the time to get to know them or show them that who they are- as is- is loved deeply and unimaginably by God?

And I don't mean any of this in the gay-rights-specific topic. I mean this in relation to anyone Christians are called to love on, and yet have a fairly negative track record in interacting with: the poor/homeless, orphans, psychologically disturbed due to substance abuse, pornography viewers, people of other religions, atheists/agnostics, "the liberal", anyone sexually active in an extra-marital capacity, abortion supporters. Just to name a few.

It also breaks my heart that the world somehow has interpreted "I don't agree with ____", as meaning "I hate _____". In their defense, though, is what we're communicating when we say "I don't agree with ____" really just that... or are we actually communicating "I hate ____" by the way that we disagree? If you really think about it, very rarely are the people who we judge actually inflicting harm/hurt upon us. I'd have to say that more often than not, the church has inflicted much more pain and harm on those we disagree with (can you say the Crusades, the KKK, and the number of truly tragic suicides by young teens who must cope with judgement and isolation because of their sexuality?)

I've been contemplating how we- as the church- might be more effective in actually representing God's love for people in a political atmosphere. And I really am only left with these questions that I must ask myself, and I think other people who claim to be Christians out to ask:

-When I speak my mind, am I doing it out the desire to get my way and be right- or am I emotionally invested in who I am speaking to, and will they see God's grace, hope and love in my words?

-If I were in this person/group of peoples shoes, what would I need from someone to really know they love me? Would it be support? Would it be community? Would it be financial aid?

-Am I trusting that God is big enough to change someone's life, or am I micromanaging in attempt to make someone the way I think God wants them to be?

I can't help but be convicted to really take seriously what the bible clearly says: 

--Matt. 5:43-46 "You have heard it said, 'Love your neighbor & hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not the pagans doing that?"

--Matt. 7:1-2 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you".

--Eph. 4:2-3, 29, 5:1-2 "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace... Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen... Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God". 

Again... I'm not claiming to have it all right. You might wildly disagree with my opinion, and that's fine. I'm not trying to say we need to roll over and tell everyone that they're all right, as long as they're true to themselves. I just don't think being outwardly (or inwardly) judgmental is very Christ-like. I mean that passage in Ephesians was Paul telling the Jews to, in love, bear with your Gentile brothers (your neighbors who you've spent the past hundreds of years warring against). I can't escape the feeling that we would all be quite damned if Jesus showed us the degree of love that we've been showing those who live differently than we do... And by the same token, if we were to love others in the way God actually loved us, I'd imagine that would be a significantly inspiring, convincing way of sharing that God loves. Regardless of what you believe: He loves. 

When I Grow Up, I Want To...

Alright, and we're back in business. It's been about a year since I've blogged, or had time enough to think about blogging, so I don't even know where to start. I suppose- for those of you who don't see/talk to us on a regular basis- a brief update of this past year is reasonable:

Ben & I began leasing a house a year ago, summer '11. It has been a huge blessing for us- it's hard to remember what it was like to live in our old apartment. At the risk of sounding horribly boring, the large majority of our life the past year has been about work...Thaaaat's about it, haha. 

-Ben continues to work for Teledrill; there was a wave of excitement and adventure as we rang in the New Year (2012), when Ben nearly began working elsewhere (for various reasons), but ended up accepting a counteroffer and pay-raise with Teledrill. 

-My bassoon studio has been on steroids, and has reached a population of 35+ students. It's been a significant adjustment for us in our marriage and routine. Obviously my schedule is not a 9-5 kinda job, so I've been working until 8:30pm M-F for this past year. It gives Ben & I a rough 2hr window to say our hello's, how was your day, it was good and yours?, and then somehow launch into whatever else needs doing. 

As I said... it's been an adjustment. And now that the semester has ended (for me), and I'm once again staring all this free time in the face, I'm forced to ask myself What the heck just happened? Where did all that time go? What am I doing with my life? 

I used to think there was something wrong with me, for not having it all figured out. But I realize now- in talking with friends and family in their 20s, 30s, 50s and so on- that everyone, in every life-phase, still says "when I grow up, I want to ______". Does anyone ever hit a point and say "I am grown up because I do ____"? 

I feel like I ought to think that of myself: I'm married, I run my own business, we're about to buy a house... those seem like pretty adult-ish things. But really, on the inside, I feel like I'm watching a home-video of my life on fastforward, and every couple of days or so, I push Pause to catch my breath and turn to someone to ask What the heck is going on, do I have the plot right??

Let me let you in on a little secret, and lil' inside scoop into my life: it's a mess. 

I am tired as heck. I'm burnt out, and I both look forward to, and dread these moments of stillness. The moments when I can catch my breath and re-evaluate whether I'm on track, and (scariest of all) make adjustments. 

Let me tell you a scary truth, something that feels impossible to explain to anyone who has known me for any number of years:

I don't know what I want to do with my life. 

I have been playing the bassoon for more of my life than not. My mom tells me that during one of the first weeks that I began playing, she remembers listening through the garage to me practice, picking out the notes to Titanic's "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion (yeah, that's how I roll). I remember graduating from High School, not questioning what I'd major in, just knowing 'well yeah, of course I'm going to pursue music performance'. And I spent my entire university career trying to awkwardly balance 'the college experience' with musical prestige, and who I am with who I can't be. 

And then I graduated from USC, and Ben & I moved out to TX, and I spent the first year & a half continuing to awkwardly balance 'real life' with musical prestige, and who I am with who I can't be, and over the course of the past 7 years of my life, I have come to this conclusion:

I am a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. 

Music is my heart; it's breathtaking, and powerful and it speaks to my soul in a way very few other things can. When I play certain things, when I speak to people through the art of performance, my everything resonates- I am the most alive version of myself. 

But the real kicker is that I need people. I love people! I love talking to them, figuring them out, helping them, listening to their stories. I think my heart is happiest when I am with someone who truly knows me, and I know them. 

Unfortunately, the way the 'professional', classical musical world works, you gotta sacrifice a lot- mostly time/relationships- and make music #1 in order to be successful. It's been a heartbreaking process for me. I fight hard to not believe that I'm a failure since I'm not doing what I was trained to do. I fight hard to believe that I do indeed have talent; that 'those who can't do, teach' isn't my fate. And at the end of the day, when I'm tempted to burn with jealousy and rage that soandso got suchandsuch position in oolala symphony, I step back and realize that all of that wouldn't mean a thing to me if I were alone. If I had to give up a vibrant, healthy relationship with my husband, the flexibility and ability to start a family, the web of relationships of my life, all so that I could get recognition for how hard I work... I think I would regret much of my life.

I am a square peg in a round hole. 

My life needs beauty and people, art and relationship, resonance with another. Part of what blows my mind about music to begin with is that it's a transcendental language. It doesn't matter what country you're from- if you can read music, love music, feel music: we speak the same language.

It's taken me several frustrating years to understand this about myself. I tell my students often that, in music, there are times when the harmonies are dissonant- they are passing, usually. It's important to lean into, accentuate the dissonance, because it creates tension and discomfort. But. we do that because it makes the resolution that much more beautiful and aesthetically pleasing when it arrives. 

I have been living the dissonance. I have felt tension from expectation and disappointment, hope and confusion. I don't think I've done a great job of leaning into it, though. I mean really, I feel like I've just been flailing- I'm sure I've been out-of-tune, too loud, and sloppy with it all, so to speak. 

But- thankfully- I think I have a better understanding and peace about my life not being exactly what was expected of it. And I have decided that I am going to lean into the difference (appropriately tuned and strong), and pray the result is breathtaking. Beautiful. Powerful. 

I'm not sure, exactly, how or what I'm going to do with my life. I hope there will always be music, and I hope it will always be shared with people I love. But, as I grow up, I want my life to resonate with others.

The Appreciation Room

Hello friends :) Looooong time, no talk. I sat down with the intent to maybe update or blog a bit, and realized I had a handful of 'drafts' of blogs, and therein became distracted reading them. The following rant in particular really made me chuckle, and so I thought I'd just go ahead and post it. I don't think I actually finished it, but... whatever. This is a sneak peek at what our marriage is really like, haha. But also, it's kind of encouraging for me to read through it and realize how much growth & maturity can take place even over the course of a few months (as this was written in July of 2011 I believe). Not that we've got it perfectly now- but in retrospect, the whole moving ordeal was rather stressful, and I know that we at least are able to work through stress a little better now. Hope I get a couple of "Amen's"... or at least a few "lol's"... 


**Be warned that the following contents reveal the True self of Ashley Jennings**

Well hello hello!

I've attempted to open this blog in a number of ways- only to backspace the entire thing & start again. So... let's just jump in, shall we?

Marriage is a funny thing. And by funny, I mean that it is sometimes Funny-Haha, and sometimes Funny-ThisIsSoNotWhatISignedUpFor. The majority of the time, I'm happy to say that our marriage is Funny-Haha. But there are times (like the past couple of weeks) when it's a little more... oh how do you say... intense. I like to console myself with the self-justification that those times correspond with a little thing we call PMS, but alas, they do occur. 

Maybe it's because I'm cooped up all day long and have way too much time on my hands to think, or maybe it's the fact that we're about to move, or maybe it's just seasonal, but the last couple of weeks have been like an itchy sweater, in that you're kinda stuck wearin' it, and even though it doesn't help all that much, you just keep scratching. Plus it's Summer, and the notion of wearing any genre of sweater seems downright sinful to me.

I digress. The point is, during the course of said itchy couple of weeks, I've noticed a corresponding relationship between intensity, and trust. Or maybe it's trust, and then intensity?... It's just that this whole marriage thing doesn't really work well if you're trying to make it work well for only one member. "Well, duh," you might think- and if you do, then kudos to you and your perfect life :P

I think what happened was a couple of weeks ago, Ben & I hit a little bump (or, you know, like, 17 bumps) in our Logistics Road coordinating our move-out-of-apartment-and-into-house situation. Being the mature, supportive wife that I am, I promptly threw a fit on the couch, cried my eyeballs out, and yelled at Ben that this whole situation was his fault. It has, from that moment on, been progressively more difficult to act in love towards this man who I am married to, and live with.

One night, everything kind of culminated in some silly argument (the kind where you reach the point that neither party really remembers what you're arguing about). One of the things I genuinely love about Ben- a man of very few words- is that there are times when he will say something that seriously cuts through every fiber of my skin & muscle & tissue, straight to the very guarded, dark recesses of my vulnerable heart. This was one of those moments: "Ashley, the choice to trust me is yours alone- and if you choose not to, then of course everything I say is going to come out sounding the way you fear it will". See, I often say that I'm working on trusting Ben. But after he said that... I did some deep-down-assessing of my "efforts" in trusting, and realized that, by "working on", I really meant "I'm waiting on you to prove that you're 100% fail-proof, & you're never going to hurt or disappoint me again, and when you start to prove that then I'll happily trust you".

...I know, I know... it's a really bad habit. 

And so, I've resolved to sever this inverse relationship between intensity & trust, and somehow live in such a way that the two strengthen each other: when things get more intense, the harder I work to trust Ben. And not just Ben alone, but people. Because I'm also realizing that this 'bad habit' seeps into all of the relationships I share with people- especially the very meaningful ones. 

So I'm reading through yet another book: The Love Dare (thanks to my friends Sasha, & Andrea). It's from the movie Fireproof *whatup Kirk Cameron* It essentially explores the characteristics of Love, and gives daily challenges to incorporate specific actions to show your spouse you love them. I think it's a fantastic book- and would encourage anyone (single, dating, etc) to read it. But maybe especially people who are engaged.

I like to think that the majority of the young, Christian couples that are dating or engaged are super excited (and impatient) to tie the knot. I think this is great. But I also think (particularly for young, Christian couples) a lot of the "I'm so excited to get married" is code for "I'm so excited to have sex". I'm not sayin' it's everyone- just most. And maybe it's not sex- maybe it's a different aspect of marriage; but there's some specific expectation they have of what marriage entails that they're not experiencing yet. I can say this because, well, I do that.

But what you don't hear people saying when they're dating or engaged is "I just can't wait to be selfless, and uncomfortably humble"; or, "I'm so excited to not give my prideful opinion, even though I'm pretty positive my idea is better"; or, "I would be so happy if we could just disagree so I could trust him while I'm very personally offended." 

People don't say that. But those are precisely the things that need to happen- the things I really need to work on- in order to make a marriage work. One of my best friends in the world, Andrea, uses a great phrase when talking about loving your significant other: loving them in the verb, as opposed to the emotion. And that's exactly what this Love Dare book is all about: going beyond the lovey dovey, ooey gooey, butterflies in your stomach love, and putting actions to your emotions (particularly when your emotions aren't lovey dovey). 

Let's be clear, though- I'm not talking about the kind of love the world talks about. I'm talking about Perfect Love- the only kind of love that makes this life worth while. The other day- during another one of these little tiffs- I frustratedly sat down and flipped open my bible, and happened to open to 1 Corinthians 13. Everyone knows it- even the most antireligious person: 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres".

...I could honestly sit there and say that I was NOT fulfilling a single description... Why? Because I have been so fixated on the negative, on the intensity, on me my i mine self.

So I went back to one of my favorite parts of The Love Dare. Going off of, 'Love believes all things, hopes all things', Kendrick says

"In the deep & private corridors of your heart, there is a room. It's called the Appreciation Room. It's where your thoughts go when you encounter positive & encouraging things about your spouse... Most things in the Appreciation Room were likely written in the initial stages of your relationship. You could summarize them as things you liked & respected about your loved one... And you spent a great deal of time dwelling on them in this room... before you were married... Down another darker corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, and unfortunately you visit there as well. ...The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your spouse... You may say, 'but these things are true!' Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room... It's time to move into the Appreciation Room, to settle down & make it your home."

And that is exactly what I'm planning on doing. 

Conviction

12 The Promised Land is a land the Lord your God cares for; 

the eyes of the Lord your God are continually on it

from the beginning of the year to its end...

15 God will provide grass in the fields for your cattle, 

and you will eat & be satisfied.

16 Be careful, or you will be enticed to turn away & worship other gods & bow down to them.

17 Then the Lord's anger will burn against you, 

& He will shut the heavens so that it will not rain

and the ground will yield no produce,

and you will soon perish from the good land the Lord is giving you.

--Deuteronomy 11:12, 15-17

What if, by "land", "grass", & "cattle", I read Provisions- for whatever need is in my life.

What if, by "other gods", I read Physical Beauty. Control. Safety. Being right. Self.

What if, by "ground will yield no produce", I read Will never be at peace with the way things are now.

How often do you or I flail to attain even the inherently & genuinely good things in life, but experience perpetual disappointment because we expect things to work on our terms? 

I do want a healthy marriage- I want to trust, to be gracious, and to encourage my husband when we're both imperfect. I want to see a difference when I work out & seek nutritional balance - because I do those things way more often than not. I want to be at peace with the way I earn my living- despite the fact that it isn't what I thought I would do growing up. I want to feel like I'm not disappointing someone, somewhere, somehow, on any given day.

But I can't do any of those things, no matter how hard & consistent I try.

I can't do them on my own. Do you ever feel that way?

Home Is Where Your Stuff Is... I mean... Where Your Heart Is

Dear All,

I write to you from the Casa de Jennings 2.0. That's right, we are up 'n running, and actually in a house! 

It has a been a whirlwind month; lots of change, lots of stress, lots of exciting things happening! Let me give you a rundown of our life over the past couple months.

Ben's been traveling a lot more for work- mainly to Pennsylvania. He's really been enjoying things lately. I really love that he loves his job- it's that much more fulfilling for us. I've been working fewer hours, but still manage to keep myself busy. I just finished teaching a week long class at one of the high schools for their end-of-summer band prep. The last couple of weeks in particular have been downright exhausting. We were really blessed in that we kind of had the run of the house before our lease actually started, so we were able to paint some and get big stuff moved in at our leisure. I can not imagine what it would have been like trying to do one big move all at once. I would have died.

I haven't exactly explained the whole house-situation to some of you; so for those of you who think, "wait, what?? They're in a house??" let me give ya the skinny. Essentially my bassoon teacher/colleague (who I studied with all throughout Middle/High School) moved to Philadelphia because of her husband's job. Through a turn of events & a lot of miraculous conversations, it turns out that Ben & I are now leasing the house! There have been countless instances where we've thought, "well... this seems impossible", but God has opened doors & paved ways, and made it abundantly clear that this is the place to be. He's provided so much, and we know it's all because of His grace, and 0% because of us. (i.e. there was a little mix-up at our apartment concerning our lease, and we were very nearly forced to hand over $1,200 in fees... essentially we were going to have to throw away over a grand because we didn't give the appropriate # of days' notice that we were moving. But it turns out the apartment didn't give us the appropriate # of days' reminder to give notice, which allowed 30 days notice sufficient... yeah, we found this out on the 30th day before we planned on moving out... thereby allowing us to keep our $1,200. Miraculous.)

All that to say, it's been quite the roller coaster. We spent a week painting, moving, getting settled, unpacking- all that jazz. THANK YOU, thank you friends & family (Mom, Dad, Aunty Ellen, Sammantha & Luke, Andrea & Tepera, Jeremy, Chad, Luke) for helping us lug all our stuff back and forth. We finally have juuuust about everything in its' place, particularly because yesterday we hosted our first ever House Warming Party! It was splendid, just splendid. Saturday was actually my 24th birthday (that means official mid-20's, right?... eesh) so Ben took me out to a surprise hotel-stay and fancy, fancy Italian Restaurant. Then we returned to our house (teehee) for a day of celebration in the home. I've told a couple of my friends: I think we're just about beat. We're so mentally incapable of having errands, details, adjustments, & to-do lists hanging over our heads; and our bodies can't take many more demands, I don't think. I seriously am concerned that I have stress fractures in my feet from jumping up and down stairs and ladders, and just standing for so many hours each day. We are READY to enjoy this home now; which, I think, yesterday really helped us jump-start :)

So, here are some official pictures of the new house. We are so excited to see what all life brings us in this new phase of life. Each night I feel like Ben or I make mention of how blessed we feel to be in this home- we can't wait to use it to host friends, family, ministry... we can't to see how God uses us through it.
(oh, forgive Brandi- she just trailed me around the house, so she's in a lot of the pictures and wouldn't get out of the way... *shrug*)

Our Front Yard!

My Welcome Sign... I don't know why the pic is sideways...

Living Room- standing in the backdoor looking in

Back Yard! Patio :)

Brandi loves her back yard

I couldn't resist O:)

Living Room

Living Room/Kitchen view

my artsy fartsy bookshelf 

other wall of the Living Room... + Brandi & her big tongue

Kitchen

Dining Room (keep in mind the wall-color is the same as the Living Room; the light/flash just makes it look different in these pictures)

there are things hanging on these walls, thanks to my mom & dad :)

other wall of Dining room, next to Kitchen entry

Guest Bathroom... that's right- we have one for guests; lucky you!

Ashley's office/bassoon studio

I have already littered my desk

Ben's office/computer room- right now everything we're not sure what to do with gets thrown in here... oops :(

woohoo, USC!

(this is to give perspective- standing in kitchen, looking into dining & main front entry)

other wall of Kitchen

standing in kitchen, looking into Living Room

 Master Bedroom

Still need to hand things on the walls in here...

 Master Bath

 Garden Tub :) yessssss

Casa de Jennings!

Say "Cheeeeeeeese"

We realize the majority of these pictures are of Brandi- but it's as requested by popular demand! Plus we've been really bad about taking lots of pictures lately (oops!) Aside from lazy weekends at home, Ben & I have gone to Washington on the Brazos, Galveston Beach, and I visited one of my best friends- Matty- in Boulder, CO (which was fantastic!). Hopefully in a couple of weeks Ben & I will take a weekend trip to some campsite in SE, TX (with Brandi). We'll definitely take some pictures on that trip. Then to good ol' Spokane in August! (after we move in to our new house, and host our very first ever House Warming party) Woohoo!! Stay tuned for future pic blogs :)

 Long roadtrip to Washington on the Brazos

 Zen Chad

 Tori being harassed by Brandi (pretty typical)

 Our new backyard! We'll be moving in at the end of July!

(more pics to come once we've moved in)

 Celebrating our friends, Luke & Sammantha, at their wedding in June!

 Father's Day at the beach, celebrating Dad & his new surfboard! Love my dad :)

 Brandi's first Water Experience at the beach

We were only slightly fearful of the foam waves for the first hour and half... and then success!!

 Like owner like... dog?

 Ben was doing something marginally entertaining

 lazy pup

 "I'm really tired of this game"

 "You have my full attention with that toy in your hand!"

 

please note that Brandi hits Ben in the leg with toy while he's on the phone

Brandi cussing me out... as usual

Brandi's understanding of "play dead" is to put her head on the floor... she's lazy

Good Kind of Bad

disclaimer: Rant Ahead.

 

Today I feel... feisty. 

You know?... Agitated. Restless. Unsettled. 

Like something way deep down is off kilter, & everything on top of it is so close to off-balance that it might just all topple over with the slightest little bump. 

It's not that I'm surprised by this feeling; in fact, I'm pretty sure it's been building over the past few days. 

It's more that I'm frustrated by its nagging, unrelenting presence.

You see, it's Summer- finally. 

The last weeks of the semester were like an elementary school playground: loud, chaotic, and they smelled faintly of grass & sweat. 

Loud, in that I'd lie down at night & couldn't get my mind to chill out enough to sleep.

Chaotic, in that we were trying to balance graduations & recitals & parties & travel & life.

And stinky... because, well, it's too dang hot, and we haven't had any rain for months & months, and for the love of PETE I just want a good, ol' thunder storm, because this is Texas, right?? Where the flip is the rain??

But now- as I said- it's Summer. 

Finally.

And well, I have all this time; it's amaaaazing. I'm only teaching 3 days a week (because, let's face it, who wants to take bassoon lessons during the summer?) But now I have this stupid... feisty feeling rumbling around inside of me, like a racquetball in an enclosed room.

It's the kind of feisty that makes me think a lot, because it's inescapable. It makes me question a lot of things that I don't understand, things that bother me about this world.

Why are children born with disabilities?

Why does our country have so much at its disposal, but we do hardly anything for the destitution within & surrounding us?

Why am I so selfish?

What am I doing with my life??

Why do some 'Christians' believe that they are better than any other person?

If I ever have children... will I emotionally hurt or scar them?...

Why can't I lose weight no matter how much I work out?

 

Let me assure you, you're lucky you don't live in my mind.

I recently spoke with a friend who said they had heard that "Americans don't know how to be at rest".

At the time, I self-righteously thought, "well yeah, most don't, but I think I have a pretty good handle on that."

Riiiiight... which is why these thoughts are about to drive me up the wall... Which is why I keep turning on the TV, going on FB, and utilizing other, various acronyms.

And despite all of my efforts to escape my feisty thoughts, all it's doing is making me outwardly feisty & frumpy, and just straight-up not OK with this world. This has been one of my biggest issues:

People- Christians- who have been Christians so long without enough interaction with people (or real life??), that they say things like, "I don't know how anybody could ever do _______." 

Pet Peve #1: Christians who judgmentally complain about smokers, alcoholics, pornography, the homeless, women who have had abortions, divorce, profanity, homosexuality, drugs, pre/extra-marital sex, tattoos, AIDS/STDs and/or just having a difference of opinion on life/worship/religion.

Now hear me straight: I'm not necessarily saying I agree with, or condone any of those topics, necessarily.

But do I understand that that is the experience & reality of many, many people. People I know. People I love. And I am so... SO sick & tired & frustrated with people who claim to represent the Love of Christ, who instead cast judgment on people who are searching for fulfillment (with a lot of that list included), and that these 'christians' feel justified because they attend church on Sundays, throw a few bucks in an offering plate, and have sponsored some child halfway across the globe.

Here here here, one more thing- just humor me, I'm feisty. This is what I want to say- scream- at people when I hear "I don't understand how people can ______". I want to say:

It is heartbreaking how distorted a view of grace you have; you claim to be a follower of Christ, when you live & speak & show that He somehow requires perfection before He can give love. You spread lies and discouragement to the very people Christ died for. He didn't come to mend the whole; He came to bring hope to the hopeless, healing to the sick, Love to the forgotten, acceptance to the rejected, and fulfillment to those who have never tasted satisfaction in this life. You say you can't imagine how anyone could ever resort to sex or drugs or money; but how are they to believe there is a Hope, when you- who claim to believe- tell them they'll never be good enough for Him until they change. He loves as we are, that others might see how transformational His great mercy is.

 

That's what I'd say. Or scream. Depending on how feisty I was. 

  Only the problem is, on feisty days like this, I get so irritated that I start judging the judgmental people. "NObody gets it right!," I want to scream, "everyone is just SO stupid & self-righteous!". Only I don't say those things, and it all stays bottled up. Until that tiny little bump happens, and all my potentially-imbalanced mess becomes actual imbalanced mess, and I snap at Ben, something like, "well why would you even load the dishwasher like that, it's not even space-efficient; ugh, just let me do it."

...

Aaaand then I come full-circle and realize, "Ah yes. I, too, am part of this whole, big, sinful problem," and my ache & need for that beautiful, encompassing grace is renewed.

So, see: it's Summer. And my whopping amounts of spare time are leaving my brain a little too active. And even though it kinda is making me feel bad... I think it's the good kind of bad. You know? I can just feel a lot of growth on the horizon. The kind of growth that comes from waiting, and resting, and then doing (instead of complaining). I'm glad it's the Summer- finally. 

 Time to be still, and remember God's grace is for all people- the broken and the healed.

 Time to listen, and see what parts of my life need healing, and what people around me ache to be loved.

And time to be renewed, so that I can better love those in need.