Love Equation

Love.

What is love? If 'love is all you need', where can I find it, and how do I acquire it?

 And if I should need it, why do I need it? And who says that I need it? And how much does it cost?

Love?

Where does one even begin to find these answers? 

-sigh-

Well, to the beginning I suppose. 

"Now the Lord God planted a garden, Eden; and there He put the man He had formed. And the Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground- trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food"

--Gen. 2:8-9

Of the first things formed, we see life. Life of the divine, poured out into the shape of man, of nature- breathed into everything. 

And why? 

Well, I'm no theologian. 

But reason stands clearly in Word: for pleasure and purpose. 

Aesthetic- yet functional. 

Our quest is of love, yes. 

But I pause to consider the inherent need of life in order to possess the ability to love. 

To be loved.

...

I am a married woman. 

And though this makes me little wiser in the Love Realm, it may make me sensitive to its experience... and its lacking. And if nothing else, I can at least say that I am living:

pulse, blood, breath, voice.

So as I think about this, this love... equation (beauty and function), I stare my first hand experience in the face. Marriage. Man and woman. My husband, myself.

And I chuckle aloud at the personification of these two variables, function and beauty:

Engineer and Musician. 

Two living beings, completely unsimilar. 

One marked by structure and numbers, science and order. Purpose. Function. Efficiency. Calculation and mathematics. Emotions are valid, yes, but public expression is saved for a select few, and really only under dire circumstances.

And then the other, whose entire career is built around the expression of emotion specifically to the public. Emotions swim up and down, and are reality. There is no reason, no method to the madness; it is feeling and intuition and improvisation. The only purpose is in fact emotional- which, in and of itself, is this formless, inexplicable and manic thing.

Is this combination- of beauty and order- really the embodiment of love? 

Is not this opposition an inevitable damnation?

Or do, as people say, opposites attract? 

I tell him "the horns in my head fit the holes in yours". 

He laughs- has never heard that expression before.

Or.

Is it the subtle re-framing that, only by the combination (read: negotiation, collaboration, compromise) of purpose and beauty that Love is reached? 

As time tells, this experience of Love is never always ripping off clothes and "take me now!"s. 

Nor is it polite smiles and repeated conversation over dinner (promptly at 6:30). 

It is in fact this strange thing: intention and improvisation. 

It is desperate chasing, learning, resolving and listening: intention and purpose. And it is a willingness to not only admit you're wrong, but to- in selflessness- acquiesce to the other's unspoken need: change, improvise and respond to emotion. 

And in some cases this equation, this production of Love, it perpetuates:

I sit here in stillness and literally feel life moving within me: this insane, miraculous, mind-boggling product of an engineer and musician.

And this little life- again, as in Eden- is both scientific and wildly beautiful. 

He is science and order: with cells and chromosomes and hormones; his bones grow, his organs form, there is absolute precision in the timing and forming of every ounce of his body.

And yet he moves in excitement when he hears loud music! He moves at the sound of the engineer's voice. His body will indeed reflect parts of mine and parts of my husbands- beauty. Creation. Life. 

There is new life within me, and BECAUSE of the science and medicine, my mind can hardly grasp any of it, except that it's truly, unequivocally, breathtakingly beautiful.  

It is not all of one or the other. The two together create this greater, more powerful cycle:

There is Life that creates order and beauty, purpose and pleasure for love's sake. And Love, in the implementation of intention and improvisation, produces more life. 

I am filled with life, and filled with love. 

Love. 

Love is all I need.

For my Life depends on it. 

Love. 

The combination of beauty and purpose. 

Pleasure, creativity, and expression;

structure, precision, and order.

Love.

Letters to David- Part 2

11/3/12, 5:00am

Morning, my sweet boy :) I have been up for a long while feeling your little kicks. This seems to be another big growth-week for you. Some evenings I feel like my stomach can't stretch fast enough to meet your growing needs; you're getting so big! I love feeling your kicks and squirms :) I can't get enough of them. But sometimes they tickle. It feels like... like a little explosion in my stomach, haha. I don't know how to describe it. But you're getting so big (you're about 7-8 inches from head to rump), so when you kick and extend your little arms and legs, I feel your movement all across my tummy. I think about newborns, and their adorable, flailing arms and legs; I imagine you're little nerve synapses are firing away, throwing your little limbs all over :)

My little man, I can't wait to see you. I just can't wait to see what your face looks like! I think about that all the time. Yesterday, Noni and I went looking and baby-stuff again. I think Daddy and I are going to register for your crib etc this weekend. Goodness gracious, they have some wild baby "necessities" out there. Noni laughs at a lot of the things we see, haha. I think you will have some pretty cool stuff, though.

Check out your room theme: Robots!! I think you will love it, if you have any ounce of your daddy's personality in you (which... I imagine you do...). Your nursery is already painted that yummy peanut-butter color; so basically everything in the room will have blue, green & orange accents; little pops of color everywhere! :) Here is the fabric I'm pretty sure we're going to use; Noni is going to make your crib skirt/bumper custom! Robots don't seem to be super popular- mostly Noah's Ark themes etc. But how cute is this:

I think it is stinkin' adorable. We will have so much fun getting ready for you, little boy! And you'll be here faster than we know it! It's already November, which I can hardly believe. This will be a pretty busy month especially with Thanksgiving a few weeks away. Then before we know it, you, Daddy and I will be in Spokane visiting Granny and Granddad and all your cousins for Christmas! Who knows, maybe Auntie Jenell will have your baby cousin while we're there... But as soon as we hit the holidays, time is going to fly. Then a quick, last couple of weeks in Jan. for me to work, and bam: Feb. I'm not going to work for any of February. It's already getting pretty exhausting teaching my far fewer hours even now... you are quite the wiggle worm, and I think you somehow consume part of my brain when your little body gets my food/nourishment. Forming thoughtful sentences and suggestions to students (or, you know, staying awake) is way more challenging. Last week I did some getting-up, sitting-downs a few times during one student's lesson; when I commented on how tired it made me, my student's mom told me I looked "much bigger this week". I'm going to go ahead and say she was talking to you. 

But all in all, little man, I love being  your mommy so far. I really enjoy being pregnant! That's not to say that it's super easy. Two nights ago Mommy cried for some time because I was just so uncomfortable and exhausted. Thank God I found this body pillow at Babies R Us yesterday; it's called a "Snoogle" haha. It was way more comfortable to sleep with (for the first few hours tonight)... but now I'm just... awake. I hope it will help a lot with my quality of sleep though. Mommy's feet hurt pretty badly, too. Daddy gives some pretty good foot-rubs, though. He is a sweet man. I hope you are just like him. He is a good friend; he loves to help people. He is so creative, and yet meticulous and calculating. He has a great sense of humor and wit- he makes me laugh quite a bit. I hope he teaches you all of these things; they are some of my favorite qualities I see in him. I almost fear which qualities of mine you'll inheret, haha... I mean, if you're musical or artistic that would be really cool, but I don't necessarily wish that on you. I imagine if you're feisty or stubborn... that may or may not be my fingerprint... although Daddy can be a little stubborn at times. If you're quiet & thoughtful, that's totally Daddy's trademark- I possess very little of that. If you are loud and crave the spotlight, I'll claim that. Curly hair is me, fo sho. Blue eyes, Daddy :) Aaaand if you're a genius, we'll just call it 50/50! 

But honestly, little man, I just can't wait to know who you are. I bet it will be so surreal to witness parts of my character or Daddy's (or even your grandparents/aunts/uncles) in you. But part of what I look forward to the most is what parts of you are just... you. Just God's fingerprint on your little personality. I don't care if you're musical or scientific, athletic or poetic. I just want to love you, and show you that who you are is priceless, unique, and has a purpose only you can fulfill. 

I love you, little David. Keep growing. Keep kicking. Keep getting stronger, baby.

-Mommy